Hog Tied

Episode Report Card
admin: B- | Grade It Now!
You Mean "Chopping Block." CHOPPING BLOCK, YOU FOOL!

Challenge! Jeff "I Knew Phil Keoghan. Phil Keoghan Was A Friend Of Mine. You, Sir, Are No Phil Keoghan" Probst explains to both attending teams, "On the island of Vananananatu, pigs are highly valued. They're currency and they're a status symbol. And right now, they have a value to you." Jeff directs their attention to a nearby pen filled with wee pigs, with their hair (do pigs have hair? They look like piggy mohawks) dyed each team's color. He tells them that five tribe members must grab two pigs each, and that each team must appoint a gatekeeper to make sure their pigs stay caught. The winner will receive six steaks, an announcement that sends the two teams into protein-deprived rapture. The pigs themselves can't be too happy about this whole challenge, but at least it's a relief to find out that they're the reward and not the "reward." Lopevi announces that Julie will be the gatekeeper for this challenge, and Scout will be the gatekeeper for Yasur. I'm sure she'll do fine, but Julie really always struck me as more of a keymaster. Watch her performance and I'm sure you'll agree that there is no Julie, only Zuul.

"Survivors ready? Go!" Rory are John are first into the pen, and I take this time to notice for the first time how much more compelling John is as a contestant when he's competing without his shirt off. They each grab a squealing, writhing pig in short order, and John dirties himself up by running back out and collecting his second pig posthaste. Chris collects one for Lopevi as Lisa takes about forty-five minutes to get back to the gate and Probst takes the time to announce, "Lisa's got a big pig!" Oy vey, as Lopevi might say on the high holy days over a heaping portion of kosher Lopevi. Eliza and Chad (who?) are next as Lopevi pulls into a 4-3 lead. Eliza drags her lanky frame around the pen, kind of shadowing the pigs more than actually capturing them. Meanwhile, Chad grabs a pig with minimal difficulty and increases Lopevi's lead. "Still no pig for Eliza!" Jeff yells triumphantly as she glances back to her simmering teammates and asks desperately, "Does somebody else want to go?" Leann runs out and throws herself into the mud with determination. This challenge kind of rules, but could be slightly improved upon if, say, John were back out there, the mud were replaced by pudding, and the pigs were replaced by...well, me. Just as long as they kept Twila out of there, because she's not making this look fun at all. She's cornered a pig and advanced on it, and as a Psycho-esque music cue picks up (touché, Burnett), she advances on the poor thing all at once and hurls it into her team's pen. Lopevi is up 7-4. 8-4. Sarge's mood boobs are conscious of the task at hand, so Sarge has four eyes staring for his two remaining pigs. He wastes no time in grabbing his two pigs and winning the challenge for his tribe. They celebrate accordingly while Yasur looks on in a downcast slo-mo. One more demoralizing loss and, make no mistake about it, someone is back on the cock block.

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