Hog Tied

Episode Report Card
admin: B- | Grade It Now!
You Mean "Chopping Block." CHOPPING BLOCK, YOU FOOL!

"We slaughtered 'em!" a voice depressingly undrenched with irony screams. Dude, if you're making a pig pun? At least know you're making a pig pun. I ask for so little. Only that. And also, "Is this show really still on?" And also, "Really?" And finally, "Don't you think that Colleen Haskell is going to be a big star one day? She's totally America's sweetheart." In a confessional that puts waaaaay too fine a point on their victory, Twila learns us right nice: "We kicked their ass and we done good!" The members of Lopevi frolic around on the way back and prepare their steaks, which they eat in an orgasmic glee Sarge proclaims is "better than sex." They unanimously predict that Eliza will be next on the butcher block, I guess because the sudden influx of protein into their malnourished bodies has clouded their minds into believing that people on this show ever get eliminated based on their actual performance in the challenges. Anyway, VOLCANO!

Back at Yasur, the tribe members wash themselves off in the ocean to the sounds of stunned, non-steak-y silence. Leann confessionalizes, "That was really, really, really a hard challenge to lose." And yet you all made losing look so easy! Well done, Yankees! Uh, I mean, "Yasur." Leann adds with hidden meaning, "It would have been nice to win...THE PIG CHALLENGE!" Stop yelling at me, Leann. She reminds us that Eliza was the only one not to get a pig, asking, "Did she even get dirty?" Lisa and Rory paddle around in the ocean and talk about alliances because this is a game of LIFE AND DEATH, Lisa recounting the last forty-seven challenges they've lost, and Rory responding, "If we lose tomorrow, the next immunity challenge, I'm going home and you guys are sunk." Or he can stay and wildly oversell his value in the Transparently Self-Promoting Arts. Y'know. Either way. Rory tells us in a confessional that Eliza is "killing this team," and a contrite Eliza lingers by the campfire attempting to apologize. But if you actually say something you feel to someone's face, your hand turns black and falls off, so Lisa just smiles and lies and smiles and lies: "Do not worry about it. Don't worry about it. You know what? It's just a steak." In a confessional, Lisa proclaims herself "aggravated [sic]," telling us that Eliza was the only reason they lost.

Now Eliza's crying by the fire, Leann consoling her as Eliza tells her, "I like Scout as a person. I wish she wasn't here. I just think that if she wasn't here, that would have been a challenge where I would have able to be gatekeeper, but we've got Scout and she's got her knee." Hog-tying might not be Eliza's best animal adventure, but she's a crack shooter at scapegoating, I see. And I love the logic that if Darwin's worst contestant were done away with, it would open up another slot for someone as equally incapable of physical activity. And that that would be a GOOD thing. Eliza understands that cutting off the head of Heather Duke only causes another Heather's head to pop up in its place. Leann tells her that she's just making excuses for herself, and Eliza admits that she is, also admitting, "I want to believe that we can win a challenge against this all-male [plus Julie and Twila] tribe, but...I don't think we can." But Leann won't be so defeatist, responding that she's not ready to go down because "there's a bunch of muscles [sic] on the other team." Rory sticks to his talking points, noting that if Yasure chooses to keep Eliza on, "they're signing their own death warrant." He hopes for a "fissure" or a "crack" among the women, and quietly celebrates, "I think I just found my tiny crack." Well, before you do anything to it, the scatological imagery of the two teams this week first requires that you blow some smoke up it and wipe it. Then it's yours.

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