Hog Tied

Episode Report Card
admin: B- | Grade It Now!
You Mean "Chopping Block." CHOPPING BLOCK, YOU FOOL!

Cut to a sunrise that might cause the Lopevis to sing a chorus of "Sunrise, Sunset" before breaking bread on this Sabbath with some Lopevi and maybe a nice brisket. Julie, bikini-clad, comes climbing out of the ocean with an announcement: "I'd like to tan my ass." I'd like to tan your whole hide, Ghoul-y. Over gratuitous shots of her could-actually-be-tighter abdomen, Chad leers creepily and informs us that he's glad the tribes have gone co-ed because "it was getting a little stagnant there for a while." I'm sure Yasur feels exactly the same way. Oh, how I wish the editors were able to construct the exact same sequence on the other team, as the women looked on approvingly at Rory's physique while he lay glistening in the sunlight. Ew. Maybe I don't actually totally wish that. Julie shares with us in a confessional that she likes flirting, and that it "comes naturally." Because she's a tramp? Her blurry ass faces up toward the sun as Sarge tells us that "Julie was tanning her buttocks region...if you got it, sunbathe it." Is this really what passes as an acceptable subplot these days? I can't stand that begging approach to asking people to find you hot, when you're all, "Man, it's hot. I think I'll pour this sports drink all over myself" at the cross-country meet. Would I be enjoying it more if this scene belonged to Brady? Something tells me I probably would. ["Definitely." -- Wing Chun]

Twila goes banana-picking standing on Sarge's shoulders, and he tells us that he would pick Twila as a best friend. "I could pal around with Twila. I'd drink a beer with Twila. I'd go to the race with Twila." I would put Twila in a box. I would feed Twila to a fox. "I'd also put a dress on Twila and go out to dinner with her. Because she is a lady." As Julie slaps her forehead and is like, "SHE IS? That is the most cunning ruse she's pulled on us yet!" Using his stunning powers of mathematics, Sarge notes, "Chris, Chad, and I are three. Three is a real odd number." No! "Four is always better." He neglected to explain that two can be as bad as one, and that it's the loneliest number since the number one. He promises Twila that she's in the four "until the end," but she tells us that her teammates are all "lying sacks of [bleeeeeeeeeeep]." She wonders if she's just being played as a fool. But it doesn't matter. Because they'll never lose again.

"Immunity, back up for grabs!" Jeff tells us as we're back at Challenge #2. Yasur and Lopevi gather on the beach and...well, I tried with a wild lack of success in the recaplet to describe what they were doing, so we'll just let Probst tell it: "Four tribe members will start on a floating platform, where you will find eight wooden tiki pieces. Each tribe member must transport two tiki pieces to the beach by moving them along a rope through a water obstacle course." Kah? They have to maneuver (though it's really more of a gesture) the pieces around a canoe, climb them over a wall, guide them through an underwater hitching post, through a truss, and onto the beach. Once they're on the beach, two people from each time have to put the tiki together on a tiki tower, which gains the team immunity. Sometimes, I type things I still can't actually believe exist. Yasur maroons Scout and Lisa to solve the puzzle once it's on the beach (that means "placing one piece on top of another, for those of you who wondered if Eliza would try and stage a coup to eclipse Scout into the position of "hapless cripple"), and Lopevi sends up Chad and Twila, because at the end of the day, that team is completely equal in matters ranging from swimming to hunting to running to ass-tanning.

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