Humpty Dumpty

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All The King's Houses

Back in the meeting room, Cameron repeats that the fungal-pneumonia treatment is responsible for killing Alfie's kidneys without making him even the slightest bit better. On the bright side, House says, at least now they know that Cuddy doesn't have deadly mold growing in her bathroom. Foreman says that the lab tests on rat bite fever came back negative, and I'm not sure why they couldn't have done tests for fungal pneumonia before giving poor Alfie that deadly medicine. Foreman lists off a bunch of other things Alfie tested negative for, and Chase notes that the chlamydia test results were positive for antibodies. Alfie might have chlamydial pneumonia. Jesus Christ, how many kinds of pneumonia ARE there? And how do you get chlamydia in your lungs, unless you're into some kind of kinky lung sex? Cameron says that Alfie had chlamydia in its STD form last year, which explains Chase's results. Cuddy says that maybe they should go back to their original theory -- the one that involves her house turning against her handyman in a fit of jealousy and tossing him off the roof, causing DIC. Chase says that Alfie's fever is too high for that. It was one hundred and three two hours ago, even with fever-lowering Tylenol. House gets all angry and says he wants to know what Alfie's temperature is RIGHT NOW, not two hours ago. Frankly, I'm shocked that they've even been monitoring Alfie's body temperature with any kind of regularity, considering how they dropped the ball on his peeing.

House limps into Alfie's room, where Alfredo and Manny are having a heated discussion en español. Having taken five years of Spanish -- albeit at a high school where if you learned anything, let alone an entire second language, it was a miracle -- I actually understood what they were saying but I won't be telling you here, because it's IMPORTANT LATER and because the last time I tried to translate Spanish in a recap, I was totally wrong and got like seven thousand emails telling me so and it was embarrassing. House orders Alfie to open his mouth for the thermometer, because this hospital apparently doesn't have those cool expensive thermometers that you stick in someone's ear and then immediately get a temperature (the good ol' mercury sticks are probably more reliable anyway), and then pays special attention to the end of Alfie and Manny's Spanish, yet SIGNIFICANT, conversation. Manny leaves. House watches him go, and then turns back to Alfie and tells him to put the thermometer under his tongue. Alfie does, and it's not even one of the old-fashioned mercury ones, but a crappy digital thermometer. I'll overlook that because I suspect that House's entire reason for this exercise was to see which hand Alfie used to take the thermometer. It's his left one. House asks him about it, and Alfie claims that his right hand doesn't hurt. House sniffs around and says that Alfie doesn't smell too good. House will insult anything. You're not in Cuddy's underwear drawer anymore, House. Cool it with the overly curious sniffing. House places a gloveless hand on Alfie's right hand with its seeping necrosis fingers, and Alfie screams in pain. "Your hand is starting to rot," House tells him. And House touched it. Disgusting. Also, how the hell didn't any of the nurses notice a dead appendage before? Maybe they're supposed to do suspiciously-black-hand checks at the same time as their patient-urination-schedule checks.

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