Roswell
I Married An Alien

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I Wonder Tangentially About Jeannie

Cut to Pico and Fairfax, where Jesse pegs Scoop as the stoner asshole he so surely is. Jesse cracks up, telling Scoop, "No one -- I mean no one -- is going to print that." Scoop knows his tabloid fodder, responding, "Maybe not The New York Times, dude, but definitely the The Post." No, not even the The Post. Besides, they're way too busy these days trying to find bin Laden in a bowl of soup; they've been leaving the "Potato Shaped Like Jesus" and "Elvis Dances Jig at Own Funeral" and "Roswell Show Still Not Fucking Cancelled" far-out stuff to the supermarket shelves. Scoop knows it sounds outrageous, but he saw what he saw. Isabel comes in the kitchen to find the two in merriment, and wants in on the joke. But here's a better one for you, wifey…you ARE the joke! Bwah ha ha ha ha! Scoop explains, "You know your friend Michael? He waved his hand and it was like he had superpowers or something." Jesse puts two beer bottles on his head like antennae and giggles like a schoolgirl and wishes he could be wearing the dress as well, while Scoop continues on that "one thing is for sure: Michael Guerin is definitely not of this world." Okay. He's not that bad of a reporter after all. Can't wait to read that Saint Paul story.

Isabel lays into Michael on the phone for using his secret powers to improve his golf game. And worlds collide. Isabel and Michael from the past and present-day Isabel and Michael have a four-way conversation in Brady Bunch split-screen that includes repeated iterations of the word "what?" Michael is on the same black ancient phone in both of his shots. The canned studio audience wants to applaud raucously, but they've never seen a cordless before and they don't know what to do.

Crashdown. Scoop and Jesse sit across from Michael and Isabel, Scoop peering into a laptop and insisting, "I know what I saw, Michael." Michael asks incredulously, "You saw me wave a magic wand and bend a tree?" Scoop clarifies, "No, it was just your hand." Michael shoots back, "What was really in the flask?" Scotch. Scoop tries to lie about his reasons for being in the bushes in the first place, and Michael busts him on the 420. Hey, Makisupa Policeman. Policeman came to my house. But Scoop insists that "it wasn't like the fat ones you used to roll in the old days." And then back in time, where Samanthabel asks, "The old days," and Jesse defends himself, "You know, it was college. Rah rah sis boom bah!" The rallying cry of straight frat boys everywhere. Back to the future. Michael puts a hand on Scoop's computer, which goes dead. Isabel asks to speak with Jesse outside, where Jesse begins, "Look, I stopped smoking a long time ago." Isabel is all, "Oh, silly, that was just a wasteful plot contrivance being developed since Act I to add reasonable doubt to Scoop's argument so you can escape this scrape unscathed, for a change." Or she says something like that. But she doesn't care about the pot thing, is what. What she does care about is "no more digging into my past." She wants it to stop. Why? "Because the past is something that I'm trying to leave behind. It brings up a lot of issues for me. Max and I were just dumped in the desert when we were little kids by our real parents. I mean, what kind of people do that? What kind of family am I from? I don't want to know the answer. I don't even want to ask the question." When the neon words begging "Emmy clip! Emmy clip! Emmy clip!" stop blinking at the bottom of the screen, Jesse reaches awkwardly in and hugs her tenderly. Awwww.

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Roswell

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