I Married An Alien

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I Wonder Tangentially About Jeannie

The Law Office Of Monopoly Nazi & Son-In-Law. Jesse walks in to find Scoop at his broken computer, telling him, "Drop the story on Isabel and me, okay?" Scoop agrees that he will before turning the topic back to Michael and the broken computer. Jesse's in a hurry to let Scoop take over the story, and as soon as he's alone in the office, Scoop makes his way over to the unlocked file cabinet holding proprietary records Scoop would like to have his hands on, and…well, there he goes now. He reaches into the file cabinet and…

…we cut to a woman we've never seen before talking to Scoop on a park bench, an older blonde with shifty eyes who speaks in a raspy growl. "You know, all adoptions and foster records are supposed to be confidential." Scoop says that he won't quote her directly and won't use her name, but he's doing some background work on Michael and just wants to know if anything odd ever happened while he was around. She asserts, "No!" Then she looks hesitantly around, and the clichéd furtive-glance-of-eventual-bearing-of-soul would be made less genuine only if she picked up a needle on a mysteriously-appearing phonograph and began blasting Mexican novelty music that drowns out the surveillance speakers trying to capture and record this conversation. So she recalls for Scoop "an unusual event: Michael made the kitchen table levitate off the floor. About three feet off the floor." Thanks for the clarification. That's almost a full foot more bizarre than if it had been only two feet. Blondie adds that it's odd just the way he came to them, what with the being found wandering around the desert. But, Scoop says, he thought that was just Max and Isabel. Michael was too, but they didn't find him until about a week later. Wait. What about the constant Season One flashback of the three of them finding each other and holding hands in the eggy gauzy pods and marching off into the Roswell sunlight? Oh, you don't remember.

Scoop is elated, marching himself back into Pico and Fairfax and announcing, "I got my story." Scoop explains that Michael was levitating tables at age six, and Isabel stands around the corner in the living room listening to the whole thing. She seems uncomfortable. Jesse cuts to the chase, asking, "What is the story?" Scoop lays it bare: "Max, Michael, and Isabel. They're the Roswell aliens." No! Aliens? Run!

Main Street, Sitcomtopia, November 5, 1955. Scoop runs into the house to find Samanthabel and Jesse sitting on the couch. He's speechless with shock. Isabel and Jesse ask what's wrong. Scoop collects himself accordingly and bellows, "There's a spaceship in the basement!" And to the basement we go, where Max, Michael, and Isabel sit in a tin foil spaceship with a small glass dome, Max telling Michael, "None of this would have happened if you hadn't gotten careless with your powers." Michael retorts in a surprisingly TWoP cadence, claiming, "Hey, it's not my fault. Except for the part that is." Max suggests that they're going to have to find another planet to hide out on, but Michael wants to stay on Earth, considering, "Where are you going to find another planet that has Whoppers and Big Macs?" Nice. Way to give the line to tubby. Back to the future, and we find the three of them sitting in the front seat of Max's car, Michael ranting, "I think you're both overreacting. No serious magazine is gonna print that story. Three alien kids in the desert. It's ridiculous. The best thing he's gonna do is get some quick cash from a tabloid." But Max and Isabel fret over the exposure and attention that would bring to them, and Michael asks seriously what he thinks they should do. Max: "I have no idea." Michael wonders quietly if the Whoppers and Big Macs solution is as viable in this inadvertent dumb non-reality as it is in the manufactured one.

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