I Married An Alien

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I Wonder Tangentially About Jeannie

Isabel climbs into bed to find Jesse awake. He starts right in: "Can I ask you something?" The words of death. "Is there anything unusual about you? Anything I should know about?" Like what, she wants to know. Jesse cites the occurrence of some "strange things," and asks if she has "some sort of psychic ability." He again brings up the adventures of their sex life, telling her that sex with her is like "being on acid." Wait, that's an example? What about the icebox thing? I don't want to hear anything more than "icebox" for the duration. A quick shot of Sitcomsville shows Isabel molecularly manipulating the two twin beds together, and then we're back to the future to find Isabel asking Jesse if he's stoned. "Are you sure you went to Harvard?" I guess he is. Whenever he's sure he didn't go to Cornell, that is.

The Law Offices of Monopoly Nazi & Son-In-Law. Jesse tells Monopoly Nazi about Scoop's theory, and even Mr. Evans, delusional as he was with his pie charts and blackboard with Xs and Os all over it, still deems the theory "crazy." Mr. Evans asks who the social worker Scoop spoke with was, and Jesse wonders, "I don't even know how he tracked this person down. All of those records are supposed to be kept under seal." But he forgets the "our professional idiocy" clause in their emancipation contract with Michael, walking over to the file cabinet to find it empty of Michael's file. Cut to Jesse ranting at Scoop that he stole the file at Pico and Fairfax, Jesse presenting Scoop with "an injunction preventing you from selling or attempting to sell any information based on any information protected by attorney-client privilege." Scoop's all mad, wondering why such proprietary files were easier for him to gain access to than a nine-year-old's diary (maybe Scoop can instead write a story about how Justin Timberlake is, like, soooooo cute), and he leaves the house in a huff. And Isabel returns to the past to turn Scoop into a parrot. Get out. End. END! But there is no end. Back to the future, where Jesse throws Scoop out, and Scoop appeals to their past together, wailing, "It's you and me, man. We go back." Jesse's got his elegant reply at the ready: "You can insult me, you can hit me, you can do almost anything you want to me." You can tell he's barely able to keep from ad-libbing an extraneous, "And I hope you will." Yelling yelling yelling. Jesse tosses Scoop out and throws the hat out after him. Huzzah!

Back down in the spaceship, Max is cleaning the dome (ew) and Michael appears from seeming nowhere because he's been checking the filter (double ew) to report, "I found what was wrong with the spaceship. My yo-yo was caught in the warp drive." America? That's pain the likes of which it is difficult to imagine.

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