I Need Redemption

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We Don't Need Spoken Words

Rick is a 51-year-old cattle rancher who trained hard in preparation to be on this show and doesn't understand why his fellow contestants haven't done the same thing. That's a question we've been asking ourselves for over a decade now, I think. Stacey introduces herself as a 44-year-old mortician and mother, two jobs that make her really good at knowing what's going on around her. As a mother, she must always know what's going on with her kids. And as a mortician, she must be ever-vigilant for ghosts. Even when she appears not to be paying attention, she says, she'll have her eyes open, even though they're nearly closed as she says this. "You think I'm sleep, I'm not sleep," [sic] she says. I can't decide if I love this woman or hate her yet.

And then we meet an unexceptional-looking little man who gives us, in his first sentence, the only reason why he was cast on this show: "I am Russell Hantz's nephew." Oh, great. Just great. This fucking show found yet another way to shove Li'l Russell down our throats. So even though he's not actually on this season (as far as we know ... I don't trust that he won't jump out from behind a bush in Episode 3 or something), we're still going to hear about him 15 times an episode through his stupid weirdo nephew Brandon, who compares being Li'l Russell's nephew to being Hitler's nephew, except he "doesn't think Hitler's nephew was running around saying 'I'm Hitler's nephew.'" No, he didn't. Because as big of a personality and as important to every aspect of our lives as Survivor wants Li'l Russell to be, he's not Hitler and the comparison is really pretty disgusting and offensive when you think about it. So, fuck you, Li'l Li'l Russell.

We get to see the show's full opening credits for what will probably be the only time this season, and there's a weird spot where Li'l Li'l Russell's entire tribe is introduced except him, then "one survivor" flashes on the screen, and then we see Li'l Li'l Russell. I don't think they've ever put a cast member after the "one survivor" shot before, have they? Are they trying to tell us something? Because if Brandon wins this season, I'm pretty sure I'll quit doing these recaps.

Probst welcomes the new cast members to the stupid Redemption Arena to introduce them to the two returning cast mates. As they await Ozzy and Coach's helicopter, Edna comments that she hopes Li'l Russell isn't in there. "Oh my goodness, that would suck!" Li'l Russell's nephew says, playing it up way too much... just like the producers probably told him to. Li'l Li'l Russell gets another interview, in which we see "Russell Hantz' Nephew" where his job title should be, just in case you forgot it during the three seconds it wasn't mentioned. Li'l Li'l Russell says as soon as he heard that, he decided he would never tell anyone on the show his last name. If his uncle's secret-keeping ability is anything to go by, that means he'll tell everyone before the next commercial break. Anyway, it's going to be pretty tough for him to keep it a secret, since he has not one, but TWO tattoos that say "Hantz" on them, including one on his arm that says "Little Hantz." The fuck? Who gets a tattoo like that? My brother doesn't have a tattoo that says "Little Morrison" on his arm, and he has plenty of uncles and a father with that last name. Although I guess that's because my brother isn't a tiny little guy or a total idiot, like Li'l Li'l Russell.

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