Island Of Tropic Diseases

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Loser Is As Loser Does

Look! The sunny, white-sand beaches of Puerto Rico! AGAIN! Today, we learn, we're meeting Matthew. On a white, sandy beach. And there he is. He runs right up to Meredith and hugs her big. He puts a flower in her hair. He bemoans the fact that it's been "a long time." Real couples are separated for business trips longer than the two of these people have known each other. We find them on lawn chairs sipping tropical beverages out of coconuts, because Meredith has been marooned for so longer on this island that she's gone a little mad and has fashioned drinkware out of island fruits and smelted some silverware and named a volleyball and grown a beard and read Life of Pi, the worst book ever. Matthew asks her what's on her mind, and she just tosses back, "You." Matthew gives her a raucous high-five and shouts "Good answer!" with the same exact inflection The Geek used to bellow, "Nice manners!" Oooh, that reminds me of yet another thing I wish I were doing with my time right now.

"I've never seen eyes like yours," Matthew croons, a clear indicator he's spent his alone time leading up to Meredith's arrival canvassing bars and other singles locations and asking the local color, "Speak to me the most cheesy line of your most Latin lover." Meredith, not convinced, shoots back the intellectual "Are you joking me?" That's not an expression. She goes further: "In what way?" This corners Matthew into having to back up that claim, and all the background generic guitar scoring doesn't distract from the reality that he's not really telling her anything new about her eyes besides their color. He's all, "Um, well, they're green. And then hazel. And oooh, is that some umber I see? And, there, right on the edge, is a color called Fuzzy Wuzzy Brown, a color that is the result of Crayola's 'Name the New Color Contest' to celebrate the company's ninetieth anniversary in 1998." Wow. When did the dude learn so much about crayons?

Meredith drags us screaming into a confessional and tells us that the two of them initially had "a day full of activities" planned, but that she decided to bag them so that they could spend the whole day together, like, just hanging out. That deafening sound you hear is the incredulous groaning of a thousand production assistants angrily muttering, "Fucking cancel the hot-air balloon guy, then, I guess. I got up at 6 this morning for WHAT reason, exactly?" Meredith asks Matthew what he wants out of this experience, and he tells her that he's there to learn if they can spend their lives together. Meredith echoes those words almost verbatim in a confessional, telling us, "That's exactly what I want to hear!" And, according to your crack production staff, that's apparently exactly what we wanted to hear. Twice. Music strum strum strums along strummily while they cuddle in silence, and Meredith whips out (don't get excited...nothing good is about to happen) the faaaaaaaantasy suites card right there in broad daylight. But don't you worry: by the time Matthew finishes sounding out all of the individual syllables making up the card before them, it's night. Six months later. Meredith asks Matthew if they should stay as a couple, and Matthew says he'll leave it up to her. But when she says they should, he hilariously throws out a quick "Okay I agree." Next stop, thuddingly boring make-out talk in the faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahntasy suite. Matthew tells Meredith, "You got me good, Meredith." In subtitles. She tells him, "I know what you're saying." In subtitles. Could you guys speak up? Or, as my mom would say, quoting her favorite ever line from her favorite ever movie, Whoopi Goldberg's Jumpin' Jack Flash : "Speak English, Mick!" She says it a lot. So don't you be mumbling around my mom.

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