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Shake It Up

Inside hostage central, SnarkDad answers the phone. It's Papa Luthor. And he wants to talk to Jitterman. Jitterman asks to be put on speakerphone. "Finally got your attention?" he asks Papa Luthor. "Why don't you come out? We've got a lot to talk about," Papa Luthor says into a little dangly Time-Life Books headset. Jitterman just wants to know what they were using on Level 3. Was it glowing green? Because I think I might know. ["Mountain Dew?" -- Wing Chun] Papa Luthor says he should let everyone go, and they'll get Jitterman some help. Just then, the jitters start again. Jitterman grabs on to a big valve, but as Clark comes over to help, the valve is flung off and hits Clark, who falls back. Uh oh. It was a methane gas tank. And the pressure on the tank is going up. Jitterman looks at it regretfully. "See what you made me do?" he whispers to the tank. Then he goes to the surveillance camera and repeats that into it.

Outside, Lex tells Papa Luthor, "Way to go, Dad. I see you haven't lost your touch." Oh, Lex. When will you let the healing begin?

Back inside. Jitterman is still whispering to the camera. Jocko Whitney tells Clark and Lana that they have to do something, what with this crazy jittery guy and all. Clark says it's not a good idea. "Two of us can take him," Jocko says. "How about it, Clark?" Clark totally wusses out, but with good reason since he can't go near the guy without turning to a wet linguini. "I can't," Clark says finally. "It's okay," Lana assures him. Sure, it is. As Jitterman talks to the camera, Jocko sneaks up, but is caught. He knocks the gun away, but Jitterman smacks him in the face. Jitterman rolls, grabs the gun, and goes back to the camera like nothing happened. Except now he's pissed. He shoots at the camera.

Outside. "What was that boy thinking?" Papa Luthor asks. Bo says the boy wasn't thinking and was just taking some initiative. Back seat hostage quarterback. Bo Duke goes on and on about how somebody's got to do something. "You're right," Lex says in his steely voice. "I'm going in." Into the building? Good God! It just. Might. Work. Papa Luthor tells Lex this is no time for mock heroics. Lex reminds him that it's his plant, therefore his call. Papa Luthor grips Lex by the arm and says he won't allow it. "Don't ever do that again," Lex says, looking down at his dad's hand. Ooh, burn. Lex tells a guard to make the call and asks for a vest. Go, Lex, go!

Inside. Methane pressure is rising. We pan across the sad, sad actors smelling methane when Lex walks in, holding his arms up and looking quite the fruit in his funky purple shirt and bullet-proof vest. He's like gangsta rap if it were catered. Jitterman complains that Papa Luthor sent in his son to do his dirty work. Lex says it's his plant and he's his own...dirty, I guess. He asks if Jocko's okay. Why the sudden concern for Jocko Whitney, Lex? Keep that up and Clark is going to get jealous. "What are we going to do about these kids?" Lex asks, seriously. Jitterman says he didn't mean to hurt them kids. Unlike Bernie Mac, who wants to hurt those kids every waking moment, because he's hilarious. Jitterman says he tried talking to Papa Luthor, but Papa wouldn't listen. "I know the feeling," Lex says gravely. Then he starts to take off his vest. In my head, I hear burlesque music. As Lex takes it off, Jitterman eyes him up and down and...oh my goodness. This is an upset. The Gayest Look of the Episode award (the GAYLE) goes to...Jitterman! Totally unexpected win. And without the jittery vibration, even. Lex tells Jitterman, through the fog and smoke of slashy goodness, that he's going to tell him the truth. He says Papa Luthor doesn't care about him or anybody else. If a shooting spree goes down, he'll spin it to the media, insurance will pay up and Jitterman will go down as the bad guy. "I'm not the bad guy. I'm just trying to get better," Jitterman says. "Can I have your phone number?" Lex asks how he's going to get better by shooting a bunch of kids. Um, stress relief? Lex tells Jitterman, finally, that he's going to take him to Level 3. And it's not a euphemism for sex, either. Jitterman, sensing my implication, whips out his gun and points it at Lex. "Stop lying," he growls. Lex tells him he's not and that he's a man of his word. Jitterman thinks about it for a second, then starts yelling for all the kids to get out. They do. Lex starts to undo his tie, which is Clark's signal to come and talk to him while Jitterman is away for a moment. He asks Lex if he really knows where Level 3 is. Lex says it's in his imagination. With Clark's pants. Clark leaves.

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