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Shake It Up

O, what a life you led, sweet Will,
A life of buffing, Bush and still,
My heart you may not capture yet
You'll never be a Smallville vet
Why do you love that alt crap rock?

But with that little soul patch gay,
Asphyxiated like Janis J.
You stirred within some sympathy
But less from Tony Todd than me.
You are a Poor Man's Ethan Hawke.

Opening credits. I saw the video for this song, "Save Me," and the lead singer of Remy Zero looks like Lex Luthor!

School bus driving along Route 5. Clark, Chloe, and Sneaky Pete are walking along next to a bunch of cows out in the sticks. Pete asks what Clark's going to do now that his parents are away. He says he'll invite a few friends over. How sophisticated. Will there be bon mots and fine wine? Will Clark get in his underwear beforehand and sing Bob Seger? Chloe sees right through it and calls bullshit. She says he's throwing a party. Clark mumbles that it'll just be the three of them, and maybe Lana. I just noticed how short Chloe is. That's a lot of snark for such a small package. Chloe asks if Lana will be there with or without her "action poseable boyfriend." Clark ignores her, as he is wont to do, and says the, ahem, party starts at 8. They get on the bus. "Remember. The key word is small," Clark intones gravely. Sure, tell that to Lex.

One big-ass party later. The Casa de Clark has been transformed into House Party 2001, minus Kid 'n Play. People are dancing to bad rock (where's the hip hop?). Chloe finds Clark amid the crowd and asks if this is his idea of a small gathering. Clark, looking like a worrywart, asks if she even recognizes half the people there. Did he pass out a flyer at school or something? Somebody drops a dish, and it crashes. Clark looks worried. We pan across the party and get a long, lingering shot of a girl's ass. I keep telling you: Somebody on this show has a big ass fetish.

Clark is sitting alone when a very sweaty Asian guy falls next to him on the seat and says, "Dude...I think I'm gonna hurl." Who even says that anymore? Are we living in the Era of Wayne's World? Clark gets panicked. He zips out of frame, Bullet-Times it to the kitchen, and as everyone else is in slow motion, he empties out a bowl of snacks. On his way back, he notices a vase falling, and tips it back up before anyone is the wiser. He zips back to his seat just as the guy is about to spew chunks. He does so, into the bowl. Best use of superpowers ever. "Thanks," the guy moans as Clark holds up a hand like he's so much cooler than throwing up. Um, Clark? You were a male model and you're allergic to every rock in town. Don't begrudge someone his vomit.

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