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Shake It Up

A school bus rolls into the gated Luthorcorp Smallville Fertilizer Plant No. 3. Two gray-suited men stand at the gate. Inside, Chloe's dad Gabe (Pusher from The X-Files) greets the Smallville High students, and gives a special "Hi, sweetheart!" to Chloe, who stands in the back and looks mortified. She hides behind Clark. SnarkDad is wearing a white shirt and tie, very corporate. He says, "Welcome to Luthorcorp, where we give a crap." Some titters from the peanut gallery. "Okay, somebody kill me now," Chloe says. SnarkDad asks everyone to remove cell phones, jewelry, or anything else that jangles, dangles, or rings. He asks if anyone has questions. Clark raises his hand and says he heard there's a third level to the plant. "Yeah, yeah," SnarkDad says. "That's where we do the alien autopsies." Folks laugh. Clark looks uncomfortable (he's an alien, remember?) and everyone gets moving. "Don't encourage him," Chloe moans to Clark.

Pan across a long industrial hallway where a huge "Level 2" sign is painted. Jitterman, looking enormous in a suit, hits the end of the walkway. How did he get in? Oh, yeah. Field trip. He must have had his mom sign a permission slip. Jitterman opens a door with both hands, turns on a light, and sees a wall where he expected an elevator to be. "No," he says, slapping his hands against it. "No! NOOOO! This can't be, this can't be happening." He begins to throw things around in a rage. I know this can't be happening. This show can't be on opposite 24. It's just not right! "Where is it?" Jitterman moans. "Where is it? Where's the elevator!?" He runs his hands across his head and screams it. Man, this guy is good. He makes even the silliest lines sound scary.

Group tour. SnarkDad is pointing out hot pipes and Clark doesn't even seem interested. In fact, he hangs back from the group and "gets lost." An "Authorized Personnel Only" door is swinging shut. Clark superspeeds to it and holds it open for himself. Sneaky, sneaky, freaky deaky.

Back with the group tour, SnarkDad raises his arms and announces, "This is it! Mission control!" It looks like NASA even though it's basically just a poop shop. SnarkDad says they process lots of crap and that the results can be explosive. So if any of them had beans for lunch, he says, he's going to have to ask them to leave. A few charitable chuckles. Chloe wants to kill something. "Among his peers, he's considered witty," she explains to Sneaky Pete. Suddenly, there's a rattling at the door. Is it Santa? Mr. Hankey? No, it's Jitterman, come to bring Christmas jitters to all the epileptic boys and girls! He bursts in, just as SnarkDad was going to open the door, swings the man around and points a gun to his head as all the students inch back. "You take me to Level 3," he whispers. "Dad!" Chloe says. "Now!" Jitterman yells. Now to commercials!

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