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Just Ass

Overhead shot of the Metropolis streets. We see a tiny Clark shape chasing a tiny red shape in a kind of Metropolis Pac-Man game. We cut to a basketball court, where ballers and their classy lady friends are hoopin' it up at night in the cold. A whoosh knocks someone's hat off. Clark appears. Man, it's true what they say: white men can't fly! Clark looks around, but can't spot the person he was chasing among all the basketball players. Someone whistles. It's a guy in khaki pants, a red hoodie, and red shoes. Clark superspeeds, and we see him run in slow motion and try to grab the person. The guy in the red hoodie whooshes away just in time. The basketball players continue their game. The guy in red comes back and takes off his hood. Hey, it's Li'l Flash! "Still too slow, Stretch," he tells Clark. Clark smiles: "Bart." Clark is so happy to see Li'l Flash, because he really needs a friend right now. O, fast young beaver-looking man. You've got a friend in me.

Opening credits. Commercials. An M&M candy that can breakdance is an idea whose time has finally come.

The Barnness of Whatthehelljusthappenedtude. Chloe is confused: she thought Clark was the fastest man alive. Man alive! Clark beats himself up for not being the one who saved Chloe's life. Chloe says that even with all of Clark's powers, he can't be everywhere at once. You're not Visa, Clark. You can't be everywhere we want to be. Clark says that he's the only one who can round up the Phantom Zoners and stop Lex from experimenting on people with abilities. Is "abilities" what we're calling it now? Not "Krypto-capable"? Clark asks what Chloe found out about 33.1 from the doctor. Chloe says she got nuthin'; Caselli got in and out of prison before the ink was dry on his fingerprints. "Prison"? Don't you mean "jail"? Chloe says that a LuthorCorp lawyer visited him just before he got out. Clark says that he'll talk to Papa Luthor and see if he can find out anything. Chloe says that she'll look through her LuthorCorp intel for some breadcrumbs. Be ambitious, Chloe. Look for a whole slice of pizza!

Li'l Flash whooshes into the scene and gets right in Chloe's face: "Hey, gorgeous! What's up? You miss me?" I don't think I could be prouder of this young man if he were my own son. He re-introduces himself as Bart Allen, and says that they had a moment at The Talon the last time he was there. He and Chloe shake hands. Enchanté! "Two years ago, before you had a boyfriend," Clark grumbles. Loudly. "Ohhh!" says Chloe. Li'l Flash says that the pleasure is all his, and kisses Chloe's hand, calling her "señorita." These. Are. Some smooth moves. Clark, why don't you pull out a notebook and take some fucking notes? Chloe smiles, looks back at Clark, and says she'll see him around. She walks out of the barn as Li'l Flash stares at her nice ass. He flicks his lip with a thumb and says, "Muy caliente." Take note, white teens: Spanish makes you The Sexy. Learn it! Your Spanish could be even better than a supposedly Latino actor's.

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