Smallville
Lexmas

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Fa La La La La, La La La Lex

As the very loud music continues, Lex walks outside to his car. Two chorus members from Rent stumble out of a building across the street and approach our bald and out-of-place visitor. "Well, well, well!" the short guy in hilariously off "street" clothes says. "Santa Claus has come." And, of course? The guy's ethnic. Just like all the sleazy residents of Granville. Lex says he's not looking for trouble. The little guy suddenly goes Napoleonic and tells Lex he's not playing. He whips out a gun and tells Lex to give him his car keys. The girl with Napoleon Firecracker -- who looks suspiciously like So Ho from deep in Lex's past (and has the same makeup) -- stands back like she's shocked. Lex gives the guy his keys and asks him to take it easy. Napoleon asks for Lex's watch as well. Lex starts to take it off. There's a gunshot. Lex stiffens and looks back. So Ho II is holding the smoking gun. She really didn't like the way Lex wasn't looking at her. She fires again, shooting Lex in the left shoulder. The Christmas music blares even more loudly to match the gunfire. Lex spins very, very slowly.

As Lex spins, everything goes bright orange. We start in with the glowing, ultrabright camera effect. Lex is lying in a bed. It's morning. He's wearing a white t-shirt. He sits up in bed. He turns. Lana is sleeping next to him. Noooo! Foul devils, what Asian Ho magic have you performed to create such an unspeakable nightmare? We are all but cursed! The world withers! Lex whispers, "Lana," as he starts to reach toward her. Small footsteps are heard, and suddenly something jumps on the bed. "BREAKFAST!" a small creature -- perhaps a boy of limited intelligence -- screams as he jumps onto Lex. Lex screams. I scream. My cats bolt out of the room. "Huh? Who are you?" Lex asks. Lana, suddenly wide awake and completely alert, says, "Honey, you did promise him." Lex starts to fumble his words as Lana leans forward, kisses him quickly, and laughs. In the real world, the wife would be yelling at Lex by now to get the fuck out of bed and make a bowl of cereal so she can sleep or so help her...and the husband would be secretly buying a one-way plane ticket to Cabo. Lex, kissed, is stunned. Lana reminds Lex that he's supposed to be making pancakes. Go make the goddamned pancakes, or so fucking help me...! But perhaps I exist too much in the real world here. Lana tells Lex that he's supposed to go buy a tree after that. Lex starts to say something, but Lana, smiling, tells him not to complain. Again, I don't think Lana quite gets this marriage thing. Lana stands up perkily, even though she's about a million months pregnant. She must be made of hydraulics. Lex stares at her distended belly. He's suddenly craving an olive on a toothpick. Lana takes the boy, Alex, to get dressed while Lex continues to be flabbergasted. The kid says that "me and Dad" are going to get the best tree ever. "'Dad and I,'" Lana corrects him. Yeah, take it from a former cheerleader and coffee slinger. Lex, in pajama bottoms, breathlessly climbs out of bed. He looks around the room. He pulls up his shirt and finds a vertical scar and a bullet hole scar on his torso. "What happened? Where am I?" he asks.

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