Smallville
Lexmas

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Fa La La La La, La La La Lex

Bright light transports us to Lex in a Smallville Medical Center bed. A nurse is injecting something into Lex's IV drip. The Magnificent Bastard Papa Luthor appears in the doorway. "What happened?" he asks. Well, Nurse Bettina called in sick, then I had to find a sitter so I could cover a double, then this guy comes in with a gunshot wound and everything was so calm until...oh, you mean with the patient? Papa asks what's wrong with his son and where the doctor is. "Just a minute," the nurse says. You know, they do have a receptionist, but I guess everyone on this show practically has season passes to every room in the place. Dr. Scanlan comes in and introduces himself. Lex already knows him, but I guess Papa Luthor doesn't. Scanlan says that Lex has been shot. Nobody told Papa that over the phone? "...shot?" Papa asks. Scanlan says that Lex's life is no longer in danger, but that he'll be paralyzed from the waist down for the rest of his life. Which will be a lot longer now because his life is no longer in danger. Scanlan says that a blood clot is slowly compressing Lex's spinal cord. "If we could relieve the pressure --" Scanlan begins. "'IF'?" Papa Luthor demands. "No. No...we are going to do it, Doctor. NOW!" Papa whips out the cell phone and starts dialing as Scanlan tries to explain that moving Lex could kill him. "My son is going to walk, Doctor," Papa says. On the phone, Papa asks for Dr. Litvack.

Daily Planet offices. Chloe is telling Clark that she's in charge of Toys for Tots, and that she doubled the number of items collected from the year before. This was her emergency? Clark asks what the problem is. Chloe says that the Teamsters are on strike on Christmas Eve, so there's nobody to deliver the toys. Teamsters were going to deliver them? "Hey, kid, here's your fucking teddy bear. What, no motherfucking tip? Fuck you very much, too, kid. You piece of garbage. Tell your mudder I said hello." Clark, seemingly annoyed, asks why Chloe called him instead of FedEx. Chloe gushes that Clark runs faster than a speeding bullet -- says it right in front of a sweeping janitor wearing a Santa hat, by the way. Chloe appeals to Clark's heartstrings, bringing up disappointed children. "You didn't have to go there," Clark tells her. Chloe says it's a good cause and that he'd be helping her career. Clark says he promised Lana something, but Chloe interrupts and says she's sure Lana will understand: "Or at least she'll understand whatever it is you make up to tell her." She shows a lot of teeth as she smiles widely: "Please?" Clark agrees. "YAAAY!" Chloe exclaims. "You're my hero!" Would everyone please stop with the excited screaming? I know it's Christmas and all, but goddamn, y'all. Mama's trying to enjoy her drink here. Chloe opens a door and shows Clark a huge room full of tons of presents. Clark thinks, "Oh shit." Clark says it's more like Toys 'R Us than Toys for Tots. Chloe says that there are a few thousand. She Mapquested all the addresses, and Clark needs to get started, like, now. That's a lot of Mapquest. "Here comes Santa Claus," she says as she sticks a Santa Hat on the Big Dumb Alien. Clark stares at the white ball. Chloe snaps a digital photo as Clark does the Blue Magnum male-model expression.

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Smallville

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