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Metal Of Horror

Somebody calls Lana's name. It's a pretty normal-looking kid in a red vest. Wait, is he a carnie? I don't trust this kid all of a sudden. You've seen Carnivale. Them people ain't right. The guy invites Lana to come show off her arm. Oooohhh...elbow fetish. He invites Lana to amaze and astound her friends. I think Lana's mere appearance on the show week after week continues to amaze and astound all of us. Lana eats some cotton candy (now she's pink on the inside, too) and comes over. The carnival guy tells Lana and Chloe that the game is rigged. Lana couldn't give two shits. No, seriously. Look at her tiny little body. One is about all she's physically capable of. The guy tells Lana and Chloe that there are magnets that rig the game. He tells Lana just to get close, and he'll give her a prize. Chloe laugh/barks strangely. Lana asks if he won't get in trouble. The kid says it's the last day of the fair: "What're they gonna do?" What a rebel! Chloe moves aside and says she rests her case. Huh? What case? Seth, the carnival kid, is Lana's lab partner. There's already one Seth on TV whom I'm hopelessly in love with, so we're going to call this dweeb Carn-Evil. You know he's a Krypto-freak-of-the-week already. Why fight it? Chloe says that the guy has also had a crush on Lana since forever. All right, show of hands: who in the town doesn't have a crush on Lana? No, Lex, you don't have to participate. I already know about you. Chloe mentions that Carn-Evil used to spell out Lana's name with spaghetti. They both have a huge laugh at the guy's expense after he just offered to hook Lana up with a carnival prize. Nice. Lana says that was in sixth grade, and now Seth's into, like, cars, comics and GameCubes. What's wrong with that? At least he has hobbies, ya bland, lame she-mistress of blah. Don't be raggin' on my GameCube, woman. You'll incite The Wrath of O. (And possibly of Glark. ["Everyone in my household would get in on that wrath, actually. Super Monkey Ball 4-Eva!" -- Wing Chun]) Lana asks what she and Seth have in common.

As Lana and Chloe keep munching on cotton candy, some burly biker-looking dude takes a swing at (from what I've gathered) a game where a ball floats a foot up on a cushion of air and you have to knock it off. How would magnets affect that? I guess the ball you throw and the ball in the air could have opposing magnets. That sorta makes sense, I guess. It's still bullshit. I'm not sure how, but I just feel like calling "bullshit" early on. Chloe tells Lana that the boy is cute, at least. She tells Lana to expand her horizons and go for it. Chloe has been taking Bo Duke's Study-At-Home Platitude Workshop Course. It's $19.95. And it's not going to just study itself. Lana picks up a ball and aims. She misses miserably. Laughs. Chloe and Lana are giggling like they just got high on Lana's fabric softener. "Aim. Aim," Chloe advises. "I am aiming!" Lana says. Lana gives up. Lame! Lame! Carn-Evil goes and grabs a meteor globe and gives it to Lana anyway "for a fine effort." He puts his hand on Lana's as she takes the globe. The rough biker dude and his biker bitch (she looks like Phoebe Buffay's evil sister (and no, not Ursula)) are like, "Hey, what the fuck?" Lana hesitates to accept the globe. "You...don't like it?" Carn-Evil asks. Lana's never direct, so she doesn't answer. The biker dude, who has a mullet-mohawk from hell, says he'll take it. Homeboy is huge! Carn-Evil tells the guy that he has to win first. "Oh. Yeah, like her?" the guy asks with very justifiable carnival rage. Why not just give him a globe, too? There are, like, fifty of them. Carn-Evil tells Biker Butch that he should leave. Biker Butch steps over the counter and gets in Carn-Evil's face. This guy has the same earrings as the guitarist from The Dork Munchers. Lana offers the globe and tells the dude to leave Carn-Evil alone. Biker Butch won't leave it alone: He asks if Carn-Evil is going to let a chick do his fighting for him. Shit, I would. Except there's been no fighting. The biker dude calls Carn-Evil a punk and asks what he's got. Well, apparently, all he's got is a mild shove. He pushes Biker Butch into the prizes and leaps the counter, running through the crowd. The Biker guy carefully carries the globe as he gives chase, promising to rip Carn-Evil apart. Lana tells Chloe to call Security. "Security"? You're not at The White House, Lana.

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