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Metal Of Horror

Opening credits. Michael Rosenbaum is still getting third billing. It's just not right.

Stately Luthor Manor. Lex walks down the hallway pursued by the Crusty Old Investigator he hired to dig up dirt on his family. "TB records?" Lex asks. For a second, it sounded like he was going to say, "Teabagging?" Lex throws down the records just inside his office and bitches that he asked for information about the tenement fire that killed his grandparents, not information about his dad's immunizations. Crusty P.I. says that these things take time. "Yeah, when you bill by the hour," Lex says. Nice dig, Lex; you should play volleyball. Crusty P.I. says it's not the records that are important, it's who's accessed them. Crusty's not the only one looking into Lex's family history. Lex examines the list. Below Dr. D. Farnell, Dr. M. Poss, Liz Doyle, Melanie Williams, Louis Solyom, Behjat Benam (bend it like Behjat Benam!), and Dr. Allison Dunn is the name "Chloe Sullivan," looking up info on "Lionel Luthor." Lex does a Mona Lisa smile, indicating that his investigative itch has been scratched.

Smallville Medical Center. Beat 'em up, we'll patch 'em up. Carn-Evil is in a hospital bed. He's got Jell-O. I like Jell-O. Carn-Evil focuses his energy on the Jell-O and makes the spoon in it wiggle and levitate. This is what I've been waiting for: a villain with supernatural command of gelatin. Carn-Evil loses his concentration on the spoon just as Lana walks into his room without knocking. "Hey!" she announces. She brought Clark with her, because you always bring along your ex when you're visiting a boy with a crush on you. It's in The Rules, I think. "Either you're feeling really excited about your Jell-O or you're feeling a lot better," Lana says. Trust us: it's the Jell-O. He says he feels great. Lana says that the cut on his forehead looks "amazing." And those shingles? FABulous! His cut does seem to have healed quite a bit. Clark says that the MRI machine is "TKO." Groan. Lana asks if they know what happened. Carn-Evil says he thinks it had something to do with the magnetic field. He says it must have just been an old machine. The crazy MRI guy who's demanding they add him to the Nobel Prize list busts in and says that this episode is a "shameful wrong that must be righted!" Carn-Evil apologizes for ruining Lana's day at the fair, and thanks her for bringing him the hospital. He didn't get an ambulance? Lana was happy to help. It was on her way to her favorite clothing store, In The Pink. Carn-Evil looks at Clark. Deciding that there's no threat there, he asks Lana out. He says he wants to thank her, and asks if he can take her out sometime. Clark's eyebrows lower to Cro-Magnon level. Lana shakes her head and says Carn-Evil doesn't have to take her out. Clark's relieved. Carn-Evil grabs Lana's hand, and a little green electricity is exchanged. Does he have a Lifesaver Wint-O-Green in his hand? Lana changes her mind. "How about tonight?" she asks. Dude's in a hospital bed. Are you going to have a date at the medical-center cafeteria? Clark is shocked, and shows it by having no facial expression at all.

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