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Metal Of Horror

The Kent barn. Lana is sitting around waiting for Clark. "Lana," Clark says. Yeah, it's been nearly sixty episodes, we know her name. Lana heard about Clark's threats to her new boyfriend. "Who do you think you are, Clark?" she asks. Kal-El. Haven't you heard? Clark tells Lana that Carn-Evil is magnetic. Lana knows. Her guy's been totally honest. "I think it's great," she says, like you'd say about someone who adopted a baby or took up sailing. Clark thinks Carn-Evil is also making Lana get into him, like he's using Kryptonite Spanish Fly. Clark says that the brain is a circuit board of magnetic impulses: he and Chloe think.... "You talked to Chloe about this?" Lana asks. Yeah, Clark, I'll bet Chloe didn't want you dragging her into this. Clark's brain, by the way, is magnetic like a fruit-shaped refrigerator magnet is. Clark says that Carn-Evil can make Lana's brain secrete the brain chemicals that give Lana gushy emotions. Dude, I know women who would pay top dollar for that. I think they did a Real Sex about a chair like that. Lana thinks Clark has gone bonkers. Clark continues to spout off about secretions and brain stuff. Lana says that Carn-Evil isn't touching her now, but that she's falling for him more than she has any other guy. "Ever," she says, rubbing it in. Lana asks Clark to explain that. Clark supposes her head is like metal: the longer it's exposed to magnets, the longer the effect lasts. I don't know much about women, but I do know not to compare their heads to blocks of metal. Lana tells Clark to stop. She says that if Clark doesn't want to date her that's fine, but whom she dates is none of Clark's business. Clark says that Carn-Evil is dangerous. "No, Clark, you are," Lana says. She asks Clark to let her go. Do it! Clark, please, I beg you. Move on. It will lower my blood pressure.

Torch at night. Chloe finds stuff in disarray at her office. "Great," she says, eying everything scattered on the ground. "Evening," a crusty voice says. Crusty P.I.! Chloe goes for a phone, but Crusty advises her to go ahead and call the cops. The first question they'll ask, he says, is why he would break into a high-school newspaper. Because he got kicked off the yearbook staff? Chloe asks who he is and what he wants. He says he's working for someone looking for the same thing Chloe is. "Which Luthor sent you?" Chloe asks. Cranky P.I. starts yanking out connection cables from the back of the green Alienware computer, and I start to sob uncontrollably. He asks why Chloe would come to that conclusion. Because she's not a dumb-ass, tubby. Cranky picks up the computer and takes it with him. He says he doubts Chloe would want to report this to the police. Chloe just needs to kick his ass. He's old and fat and carrying a computer. How hard could it be? He wishes her a good night. Chloe just stands there and takes it.

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