Charmed
Malice In Wonderland

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Down The Bimbo-Hole

Oh, Jesus. There's a minute and a half left in this awful episode, and it's entirely devoted to another PVO. Well, fuck it. Let's get this over with.

As the first light of dawn glimmers on the horizon beyond downtown, the camera pans up and over the Ferry Building at water's edge as the PVO begins, "It's funny sometimes where signs lead you." The shot cross-fades to the Golden Gate Bridge basking in the early morning sunshine while the PVO continues, "Rarely where you thought you'd go, but always where you belong." "In [Raige's] case," we hear as we shoot over to the witch in question making out with the hot cop who'd been leading her one and only training session, "though she realized that being a cop wasn't her cup of tea, being with a certain cop was." Might I remind you all that the time has long since passed for this or any other show to rip off Carrie Bradshaw's voice-overs? What's that? You don't care? Despite the fact that Sex And The City has been off the air for almost two years and this current display of abject assiness on Charmed's part only proves how out-of-touch and utterly useless this show has become? Well, screw you. If I have to keep typing this crap out, you can listen to me bitch about it a few more times.

ANY-way. Cut to Piper, seated at her dressing table up in the Bridal Boudoir, smearing a homemade mud mask all over her face. The PVO adds, "For Piper, the only sign she really needed was the one that reminded her she wasn't alone." And...that wasn't Piper's Issue Of The Goddamned Week at all, you stupid VO. God, Phoebe. Can't you do anything right, you stupid bitch? In any event, the Dolt ambles in to plant a sloppy wet one on Piper's cheek, in the process getting her mud mask all over his lips. In a clearly improvised and somewhat cute bit, Holly Marie Combs at first tries to wipe the gunk off Brian Krause's mouth, but then just snickers and smears some of the goo all over his nose. And in the only shot that made me laugh out loud this week, the camera cuts over to Phoebe's fingers pecking away on her keyboard before pulling a long, slow pan up Alyssa Milano's heavily befurred forearms. HA! Hee hee hee. I'm so busy giggling, that I nearly miss the end of the PVO, which escorts us to episode's close with, "As for me, I discovered that -- just like Alice -- no matter how wild the ride, signs will sometimes lead you right back to where you started from. Changed. Different. But home." The fuck? Since when was the newspaper office ever your goddamned home, Phoebe? She ignores me, because she is a cow. With beaver pelts stapled to her forearms. Phoebe examines her "Julie Bennett" employee ID for a moment before locking eyes with Vex Pexter, who ambles into the paper's main room at that very minute with a pair of NIPPLES all his very own. This criminally stupid episode ends with Phoebe typing -- in 72-point font, mind you -- "and they lived happily ever after..." Wow, this show sucks.

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Charmed

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