Malice In Wonderland

Episode Report Card
admin: F | Grade It Now!
Down The Bimbo-Hole

"Signs," the PVO, uh, VOs as the shot cuts from Not!warts to the quad where Phoebe nearly booted the Colethazor in the head five years ago, "can be good or bad, but they should never be ignored." Well, maybe I shouldn't ignore "signs," but I can certainly ignore Kaley Cuoco. Mostly. Basically, The Retarded Bimbo and The Retarded Bimbo's Equally Retarded Friend chat about the three teenagers Haas and his minions have lured and "turned" before The Retarded Bimbo's Equally Retarded Friend gets all huffy about people ignoring the concerns of kids today -- and maybe people wouldn't be ignoring your concerns if any of you worthless little shits had gotten off your lazy fucking asses and voted last November, so shut up, Retarded Bimbo's Equally Retarded Friend -- and then she leaves The Retarded Bimbo alone in the latter's palatial dorm room. The Retarded Bimbo, who'd been feigning disinterest this entire time while applying a hundred and fourteen layers of gloss to her slackjawed lips, carefully shuts the door behind her equally retarded friend and then crosses to her desk, from which she extracts her athame along with numerous newspaper clippings regarding the recent spate of disappearances. Yawn. By the way, the most prominent newspaper article begins with a paragraph devoted to the brainless sorority chick who was found earlier in the day, apparently, but the subsequent paragraphs blather on and on about some sort of property tax dispute. Nice attention to detail, Charmed. Not.

"Signs," interrupts the PVO, "don't always mean what we think they do. They can, after all, be confusing, especially in today's world, where we're constantly bombarded by them. Still, it's up to us to interpret them the best way we know how. It's called survival." The inane PVO is going to kill me dead before the first commercial break, isn't it? Though given the fact that one of the upcoming episodes this season is entitled "Desperate Housewitches," which almost certainly means we're in for Phoebe's annoying version of the already cloying MAVO, perhaps death is for the best. The camera's cut over to All The News That's Fit To Fuck Me, by the way, where dimwitted Phoebe has apparently spent the entire morning pushing the call buttons for the elevator in the lobby, hoping to run into Hex Bexter accidentally-on-purpose. Dingbat. "Unfortunately," PVO continues, and SHUT UP, PVO, "waiting for just the right sign to come along can be frustrating, especially when you're in a hurry to conceive, which is why sometimes you have to help make the signs come to you." During the above, Tex Nexter's arrived in one of the elevator cars. They flirt. I vomit. And then, the PVO WHICH WILL NOT SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY butts in to add, "On the other hand, some signs come to you even when you wish they wouldn't," as the camera switches over to...

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