Malice In Wonderland

Episode Report Card
admin: F | Grade It Now!
Down The Bimbo-Hole

All The News That's Fit To Fuck Me, and this scene is so ridiculously awful and appalling, I just don't know where to begin. Jason Lewis is apparently some sort of artiste who rents out the garret -- the garret -- on the top floor of the building -- the building that only has two floors, the second of which is already occupied by the newspaper -- as studio space, in which he creates "sculptures" that...pain! PAIN! PAIN AND EVIL AND BAD AND THE COOTER TAT. The piece he and The Cooter Tat currently examine consists of a metal circle suspended from a rod that's balanced atop a triangle, and the whole thing's supposed to have been inspired when Jason Lewis "was flying over Africa, looking out the window and painfully aware of the struggles below [him] and yet [he] was up in the clouds feeling peace," and WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK? "It's supposed to remind us," he claims, "of the delicate balance between life, good/evil, agony/ecstasy. All that." Jesus H. Motherfucking Christ on a stick. "All my work is," he continues as the shot cuts to take in the entire studio, and I fail to see how that nine-foot-tall, plastic, fire-engine-red hooker pump in the corner is supposed to remind anyone of anything aside from how absolutely fucking stupid and trashy and insulting this program is. I guess I'm not nearly as sensitive and delicate as Vex, here.

I want to die.

So Phoebe almost blows her cover by quoting her own column "verbatim" and Vex is smitten and invites her for coffee and the PVO attempts to rot what remains of my poor little brain but I ignore it and we fall into...

...another pointless and aggravating scene over at P3, where the transformer's blown, or something, and Piper shrills and shrieks and shrews at the hapless electrician and there's the PVO again and now we're... some goddamned police station, which is actually the set for All The News That's Fit To Fuck Me because the WB choked off the financing for this garbage, but we're not supposed to notice that because we're supposed to be totally engrossed in Raige applying to join the police academy because that makes so much sense, and the recruiter is sexist and Raige is a twitchy, collagen-enhanced mess, and then Raige physically flips the recruiter into a wall and because assaulting a police officer on this show is apparently always the right thing to do, she gets to fill out an application, and no, I am not kidding with any of that, and have they cancelled this shit yet? Why haven't they cancelled this shit yet? If FOX can dust Head Cases and UPN can off Sex, Love, & Secrets after two episodes of each, what's to keep the WB from doing the same here? HUH? Yeah, I know it's the eighth season, but you know they could still do it. PLEASE WILL YOU CANCEL THIS NOW?

Dank And Forbidding Alleyway Of Dodgson-Inspired Doom. Some skinny little teenaged dipshit with a voice so high-pitched I'm sure she moonlights as a dog whistle and yeah, that was a really stupid thing for me to type but take a moment to consider, oh, THIS ENTIRE FUCKING EPISODE IN ADDITION TO LAST WEEK'S FESTIVAL OF SHIT and ask yourself, "What's Brad Kern's excuse?" Anyway, the dipshit's following an actual white rabbit as the latter scuttles across the trash-strewn asphalt over to the sewer grating that ate Horny Alastair. Long story short, the rabbit morphs up into Little Miss Notoriety, who then tosses "Alexis" into the sewer. Good fucking riddance. As Alexis's screams echo on the soundtrack, the scene shifts to...

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