Roswell
Michael, The Guys And The Great Snapple Caper

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The best stuff is just so not in here

Yeesh. A montage. It's what I'll assume is the following night, Michael blazing into the office, tie-less, hat-less, shirt undone, bad, and we cut to these pent-up, pasty, mullet-y, chess club dorks playing poker, drinking Delicious SNAPPLE Brand Beverage, cracking open a case of SNAPPLE-brand beverage long after we've seen half-consumed bottles of it sitting on the makeshift poker table, and dancing around the office to the music that I think only we're supposed to hear. Out in the hallway, though, Michael bounces a basketball and listens earnestly while last night's Steve The Standing Guy (easily recognized by his lack of mullet and his standing) warns Michael, "I just don't want this to get out of control. Some of us actually need this job." As opposed to those who take such a high-profile job just to get laid. Michael bounces a basketball and proclaims "Door 53 secure" before asking Steve The Standing Guy, "What's the worst that could happen?" Security breach! Security breach! Hackneyed foreshadowing has broken loose from Door 53!

Pizza and Delicious SNAPPLE Brand Beverages abound as the relaxed crew is suddenly rattled by the appearance of Dabney Coleman at the long end of a black-and-white televised hallway. Good thing they decided to watch that awesome No One's Driving A Pipe Bomb Into The Parking Garage show on the grainy but informative Security Camera Network for once, all the better to save their asses in light of this exciting new development. They clean up in a hurry, clipping on ties and matting down mullets. Dabney enters and quickly becomes Nine To Five's angry graveyard shift alter-ego "Crabney Coleman," entering the room and sensing the awkward vibe. That darn Principal Vernon is going to give them all another detention for sure. Three detentions? Four detentions? Five? Six? I can count all day, Judd Nelson. I can count all damn day. But it's hella worse than that, because he learns upon Crabney's entrance that "there has been a serious breach here at Medichem." Oh, yeah? What kind is that? "Someone broke into the company cafeteria and made off with a substantial amount of [Delicious] Peach Snapple [Brand Beverage]." Crabney says that the food service manager believes that it's "an inside job," and singles out Mr. Gweerin (my side!) to ask what they should do. Michael suggests getting "right on it," but Crabney bends down and comes back with the damning evidence of a Delicious Snapple Brand Beverage cap, retorting, "I think that the first thing you should all do is clean out your lockers. You're all fired." Worried glances. Minor chords. Fade to ominous black. Thirsty?

House That Government Subsidy Built. Maria is engrossed in what I can only imagine is Jason Katims's contract with Satan, while Michael rants around the kitchen complaining that whenever something goes wrong, "they point the finger at the people at the bottom of the ladder" just because someone stole a case of Snapple. Maria takes a glimpse in the fridge and uncovers a full case (but not for long! Look at how well it goes with everything, from leftover Chinese food to a fight with your waxy girlfriend!) of Delicious Snapple Brand Beverage. Michael cops to stealing it, but "that's not the point," because Crabney Coleman fired them without proof. Maria takes a turn for the All About Her, asking, "So I'm assuming I'm gonna have to keep paying for dinner and supplying the kerosene to light the apartment?" Kerosene? Jeez, Martha Washington. Buy a flashlight for the damn deadbeat, prop it up on a phone book, and get on with your life. No need to go around synthesizing whale blubber and burning it in lanterns and turning the place into Ye Olde Historic Ghetto House. Michael promises he'll get another job, and Maria asks about how "the other guys" reacted. She didn't know they all got fired, but Michael won't take the rap for it, because "we all drank of the Snapple." A woefully extraneous line about treading on "Biblical terrain," but not to worry: Delicious Snapple Brand Beverage is kosher! As well as parve. For your festive Passover meal.

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Roswell

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