Roswell
Michael, The Guys And The Great Snapple Caper

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The best stuff is just so not in here

Wait. I think I thought Steve The Standing Guy was all clean-cut, but now he's the guy who would turn out to be Michael's Mulleted Moral Compass. They look so different once they take off the hat. And if that's an excuse you yourself have used to rationalize some bad behavior of your own, I think you and I have a lot to talk about. Anyway, we're back at the Nook-E-Mart (seems that more folks than just me and Isabel were interested in getting through one damn episode without running into her parents), where we find Michael running into Steve The Standing Guy. They're both applying for "the clerk job," which Michael exposits pays "half of what we were making at Medichem." Half of a graveyard shift security guard's salary? No wonder people only show up at this supermarket sporadically; it's in Malaysia, and Michael and Steve The Standing Guy are twelve-year-old girls. But Steve needs a new job in a hurry, because "you gotta feed the wife and kids." Michael laughs -- wife and kids! -- before realizing that Steve The Standing Guy has a wife named Cheryl and kids. A wife! Plural children! And he's all passive-aggressively blaming Michael for getting him axed by eating pizza in the office? I'm just saying, it's all about personal responsibility here. And Cheryl is my sister's name, and I'm so glad she's not married to that guy. Steve The Standing Downtrodden Cliché takes off to "Burger Hut," because he heard there was an open position there. Before he goes, Michael takes a moment to apologize for his behavior. Steve The Standing On A Soapbox smirks, "That doesn't help me, Mike." The government shrugs an apology to Steve, for it has already given its every dime to Michael.

Crashdown. Liz is on duty, slinging hash and making with the trays of food. As she approaches the table, however, she looks up to note that some illustrations of aliens on the wall are…waving at her? She looks back down at the table and offers the first of the meals, "Galaxy sub." She looks back up at the drawings, and a speech bubble appears on one reading, "I miss you." The fuck? This is what the dude spends his time doing? If he's so good at making the walls move and talk like he's the string-puller on Alien Punch and Alien Judy, why not put the Mad Libs captioning to some better use. Fly around the world backwards and reverse last week's events. Turn Slackjaw into a goat. Become so gaunt and pale that you can slide undetected in and out of numerous locations at your leisure. Since the last one is obviously a project you've been working on for some time, I'll give you kudos for thinking of it first and let you get on with the wasting-away thing you do so well. I'm not trying to wax nostalgic for other crap here, but once, he allowed Liz to talk to the dead, which is far cry from the current "got your nose" approach to rabbit-pulling parlor tricks. But no, instead it's syndicated comic wackiness with the wall decorations. But Liz is the consummate professional, and she endeavors to serve her meals even after wall alien changes its message to "I want you." Blah blah insert joke about flat acting and two-dimensional characters. Kick-ass. All on the same page.

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Roswell

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