Michael, The Guys And The Great Snapple Caper

Episode Report Card
admin: D+ | Grade It Now!
The best stuff is just so not in here

He's in the kitchen! He's in the kitchen! Liz dumps the plates and takes off to the back, devouring the shrunken remains of Max's tiny head (careful, that thing gets kind of prickly if you don't prune it every, like, six months or so). There is ill-advised panting and close-ups of tongue. He takes her by the head: "Midnight, Friday, I want you to meet me. Dress warm." But Slackjaw appears in the kitchen -- a room I'm not sure he knew existed before this episode -- calling for his delicate flower. Sorry, Mr. Slackjaw. She's being eaten alive by a tiny-headed alien right now. No wonder he's being so protective. Liz shepherds Max out the door just as Slackjaw finds his way in; he looks remarkably suspicious when she cops to "taking out the trash" and somehow pulls it off without lying at all.

Back in the dining room, Isabel enters to find Kyle sitting at the counter. She launches right in, offering, "You're probably wondering what you saw in the convenience store the other day." Kyle makes it through letting her know that "a stone unturned is…" before Isabel cuts off his swipes at Buddha For Suburbia and gives him the facts: "His name is Jesse Ramirez. He's my boyfriend." Kyle asks if he hasn't seen that guy leaving Mr. Evans's office before, though why he would care about that, much less know where the hell Isabel's dad's office even is or what he does inside of it, is up to the "writers" trying to string all this together to decide. I envy not your Herculean task, kids. Isabel explains Other's age, and they have a long, bonding moment over the sheer, unrelenting OLDNESS of being twenty-six (I mean, it's not like I'm running around sleeping with eighteen-year-olds or anything, but still…can it, young'uns). Kyle asks if Isabel has told Jesse about her "secret identity" (as "the only talented one"), and Isabel lets him know that Max and Michael would never agree to tell anyone else. They agree that it's "never easy" to be in a relationship, and Isabel thanks him for listening, tacking on a gay line about being forced to use the full extent of her alien powers arsenal (which, by current show standards, includes "thinking really mean thoughts about him") if Kyle were to tell anyone. As she leaves, Kyle offers her a "good for you," because all of the other aliens have been in relationships, and she never was. Except with Alex, which he fails to add. Alex? Exactly.

See, one of things that bugs the piss out of me about this show is that I never know if people are mad at each other or not or what. Because now that Max is staying at Michael's house and it's time once again to advance the plot of the Delicious SNAPPLE Brand Beverage, they're buddying up like old buddies, sitting in front of a case of the aforementioned Delicious SNAPPLE Brand Beverage, Max kicking things off: "So, you're gonna return the [Delicious] SNAPPLE [Brand Beverage]?" Michael marches on about the principle of things, saying that it's not fair to ruin someone's life over a juicy beverage (unless you order peach and they bring you diet peach. I freakin' hate the diet). Max monotones, "And this is ruining your life?" This scene is so intense that you couldn't dampen the dramatic fire even with a waterfall of refreshing, fruity-tastic Delicious SNAPPLE Brand Beverage. Michael again explains his situation with Steve The Stand-Up Beggar, wondering why he feels so much guilt about the guy's situation. "You see, there's you and Isabel. And you guys are like family. And then there's Maria. And she's…I don't know, she's Maria. And besides that, I've never had this feeling. But these guys. It's cool. We laugh. And talk. And…" But he is lost for words, thirsting for male companionship as he is, looking for a place where he can relax with numerous other men in a relaxed, male setting. I think I know the kind of place you're looking for, Michael. And you certainly don't need no clip-on tie there. Standing suddenly, Michael decides it's time to return the Delicious SNAPPLE Brand Beverage undetected, call in and report that it wasn't stolen, and get everyone's jobs back. Max trips the linguistic fantastic, telling Michael that what he proposes "isn't an idea. It's something you think about in your mind and then come up with something better." Something you think about in your mind? Shave. SHAVE!

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