Just when Clark thinks his life is going to be tractor pulls and barn nookie (he gets this close to getting it on with Lana in the middle of a barn-raising. Hey, those beams aren't the only rising wood around here...), he learns that being normal kind of sucks. An electro-fireball-shooting thug from Belle Reve and the Uncle Fester Twins escape from the psych ward and come after Clark. They find out that he not only doesn't seem to have these rumored powers they've heard about; he also seems like kind of a wuss. They tell him to go to the LuthorCorp's famed (and until recently forgotten) Level 3 to get them their Kryptonite Juice fix, or they'll put a hurting on Clark's family and Lana, who are all being held hostage in the renovated Kent home. Clark obliges and breaks into the Level 3 facility with Chloe's trunk full of espionage tools and her laptop burgling skills. Still, it all seems a bit too easy; Clark later learns that Lex was watching them the whole time and let them enter the facility as a test. Clark gets back to the farm and defeats the bad guys with his own muscles and (intermittently functioning) brain. Then he goes to Lex's and punches the shit out of him for a few minutes for setting up this elaborate test of Clark's supposed superpowers, which could've gotten someone hurt. Lex is stunned that Clark showed vulnerability inside Level 3 and is even more stunned when he punches Clark in the mouth and the dude bleeds. Whups. Before you can say "Kal-El Coppola," Clark meets back up with Lana to continue where they left off. We end with the camera trailing out and up to the stars as Clark and Lana make sweet, sweet love by the fireplace at Lana's apartment. And of course, they both lose their virginity to Coldplay.
Welcome back to Season 5: The One Where Clark's Got No Powers. I'm sure hammering nails with a hammer and running at normal speed will be just as exciting as x-ray vision and super-strength were.
We open on a chain-link fence and a flimsy sign for "Bell Reve Sanitarium KEEP OUT!" waving in the wan wind. It's dark and foggy. A single searchlight scans the yard area. You make me sad, "The WB in High Definition" logo. An attendant in white leads a man scratching his head down a hallway. Licey. Coming the opposite direction toward us is a female doctor in a lab coat and Lex Luthor, in a long black coat. The woman tells Lex that they're transferring other patients out of this wing per Lex's request, but that the board of directors will be asking questions. Like, "We have a wing? We can transfer people? Who wants Scotch?" Lex says that for what she's paying the doctor, he's sure she can buy some answers. "Macedonia," for instance is on sale for $24.99 at Target along with the first two seasons of this show on DVD for $18.99 each. (Oops, that sale lasted till Saturday. You missed it.) Lex approaches Papa Luthor in a low-angled shot. Lex's father stands, straitjacketed, in a cell with a glass front on one wall and pads on the rest. He's wearing blue pants and looks like he's about to bust an MC Hammer move. It's a self-homage to the "Shattered" episode, only Lex is on the other side of the glass. Papa Luthor lifts his head and stares at Lex with his frosty, clouded-over eyes. Lex looks a bit afraid. "Keep him isolated," Lex tells the physician. He asks for twenty-four-hour supervision and demands that he be notified if there's any change in Papa Luthor's condition. Lex puts his fingers on the glass. Papa Luthor turns, with a sly smile on his face, and walks away. Lex turns to leave. The doctor exits through a side door.
As Lex is walking down another hallway in Belle Reve, some patients are being moved. They've all got these big metal clamps on their wrists, each with a big red light in the middle. Everything goes in slow motion as Lex rounds a corner and runs into the lead patient, an oversized thug who looks like a Busey and is sporting lots of arm tattoos. "Hey!" the guy says. The light on his hand clamp changes to green. An orderly apologizes to Lex. Standing behind are matching Uncle Fester-on-Jenny Craig twins, each wearing the same clamp. They're doing that hunched-over Renfield thing. "My bad," Busey says as he keeps walking. The orderly tries to give him shit about making friends. Busey says, "I'm just a people person" and throws off his hand clamp. He punches out the lead orderly. Another attendant approaches. Busey reaches his hand up near a fluorescent light. Electricity courses from it to his hand. The Festers are very entertained. Busey reaches out his other hand and forms an electrical pinecone. He shoots it at the orderly. It grows to the size of a basketball and whacks the guy in the chest, sending him flying back. The fly-harness on this show sure gets a regular workout, doesn't it? Busey laughs and says he really lights up a room. The remark is lost on the Festers, who are thinking, "I like electric Jell-O." Busey reaches up again for his electric fuel and shoots the hand clamps off his minions. He tells the Festers to do their thing. They face each other, baring their teeth, and smack fists together, forming an electrical bond. They use their other hands to reach out and create an electrical barrier. Guards approaching try firing their guns, but the bullets bounce off the shield. The Festers' favorite videogame is Defender. Busey says, "Let's blow this joint." No touching!