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Losin' It

The Barnness of Noonertude. Lana and Clark enter. Clark says he'll be back in a minute. Lana says that's great, because she needs a break from all that tool-belt carrying and waving a nailgun around. She should sit right down. "Found them," Clark says, finding a sealed box of the quietest nails ever. Lana tells Clark that sometimes it's all right to take your time. Psst! Clark! She's talking about the clitoris! Pretend I just whispered that! Lana tries to have a moment, but then says they should probably get back. Clark stops her, saying that yeah, they should probably be getting back.'s my tongue in your mouth. Bon appétit! Clark says that everyone's waiting at the barn-raising. "Which means we're all alone," Lana says. Rising wood. So hot. Lana grins. Clark grins. For once, I'm not totally skeeved out by this.

Clark leads Lana up to his barn loft, right by the open window where everyone can see. More kissing. Tinkly music plays. Lana takes Clark's shirt off, and we catch a glimpse of his blue boxers. Clark and Lana settle in on the futon. Clark stops in mid-kiss. "Maybe we should, uh..." Bust out toys? Watch a video? Sign a permission slip? Clark says that they should take this slow. Lana, a bit giddy, says they've been taking things slow for four years now. Yeah, Clark, you dipshit. "I want our first be as special as you are," Clark says. With that, it's clear that Clark is afraid of injuring his own hymen. Lana scrunches up her face like she's going to cry. Clark, sensing he may have misspoken, says, "It's my first time." Oddly, though, he's been married before. Lana has a weird moment, then says, "It's mine, too." Remember on The O.C. when Summer was introduced as Marissa's wilder friend who had a million boyfriends and then deigned to date Seth, then all of a sudden, Seth admitted his virginity and she was like, "Me too!" and you were like, "BULLSHIT!" This is just like that. "You and Jason never...?" Clark asks. Lana says no. That explains Jason's erratic and crazy behavior before he died recently. Now I know how he survived falling off a cliff. His blue balls kept him afloat in the rapids. "You and Alicia?" Lana says, speaking of KentFan and surprising the hell out of me. They remember KentFan? "No," Clark says. Lana thinks that not having sex with your wife is so freakin' hot. Clark says that Lana's the only one he's ever really loved. So Lana's one of three soulmates, but the only one he's ever loved. Got it. "It's only been you, Lana," Clark says. Except for those other girls. But they're all dead. Lana's nose goes Rudolph. She's allergic to man-gina. She straddles Clark and they make out more heavily.

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