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Open and Shut
I'm gonna go grab a donut because I'm apparently Homer Simpson on this show now." It must have been awesome. Taub finally admits to flirting with Maya, but thinks it's harmless and "fun." "It's dangerous," Hadley says; "that woman would totally do you." Hadley, are you 12? "Do you?" Come on. Taub's eyes light up at the thought, but he still insists that nothing will happen. "If you want to be on a diet, you might want to stop hanging out by the dessert cart," Hadley concludes. True, but as we just heard, Taub prefers breakfast pastries, so avoiding the dessert cart wouldn't help his diet anyway. I'm not sure how that fits in with Hadley's metaphor, though.

Hadley and Taub walk into House's office and tell him that the X-ray was negative for herpes colitis and Julia's stomach ache is gone, so the intestinal blockage must have passed and Julia can be discharged. House wants to keep her around to find out what caused the blockage in the first place and tells them to make her drink something that will show up on X-rays, then X-ray her digestive system every 15 minutes to look for "unscheduled stops." Hadley doesn't like this at all, since it will take all night. House tells her not to worry, since he's only making Taub stay so he can talk to Julia about open marriage.

At Casa Wilson, Sam and Wilson have really settled down into a pattern of domestic bliss just two weeks into their relationship, as Wilson loads the dishwasher while Sam talks about CT scans and bezoars. Gross! I hate bezoars. The conversation stops suddenly when Wilson notices that someone put a large bowl face down on the bottom shelf of the dishwasher. He does not like this at all, but refuses to say anything to Sam about it when she asks why he looks so upset. I really thought I was the only person who got upset when she saw a large bowl face down in the bottom rack of the dishwasher, but apparently I have something in common with Wilson, as sad as that is for me. He removes the bowl and continues to load the dishwasher. Sam continues to talk about bezoars, because that's fun sexy nighttime talk.

Meanwhile, Taub tries to ease into a conversation about open marriage with Julia. "So, how long you been married?" he says awkwardly. Idiot. "One of the few drawbacks of having an open marriage -- nobody ever asks me about current events or the weather," Julia sighs. Well, maybe if you didn't tell everyone about your open marriage then they wouldn't ask you about it, hmm? Apparently, Julia went into the ER all "oh my stomach hurts and I have an open marriage y'all," and now she doesn't understand why it's all people ask her about? "Yankees look good this season," Taub says. This makes Julia laugh and reveal all Taub wants to know, saying she's been married for 7 years and in an open marriage for 4, as she and Tom both realized one day that "traditional marriage was making us both miserable." Taub asks the obvious: "why no divorce?" Julia says they still loved each other, but they also realized that one person can't fulfill all of your needs forever. "There are happy monogamous couples out there," Taub says. "Sure. One or two have a perfect marriage. Everybody else has figured out how to settle for less. I don't want to settle and end up resenting my husband," Julia says. I'm sorry, but what? No one has a perfect marriage. If that's what you're expecting, you're sure to be disappointed. That doesn't mean you're "settling" or whatever. This dialogue is kind of ridiculous. "I'd rather get the 10 percent he doesn't give me somewhere else so that I can really appreciate him for the 90 percent he does," Julia continues. Yeah, but having sex with a hot guy in a luxury hotel room over champagne seems like more than 10 percent to me. Also, how did she reach the age of 35 without realizing that it's impossible to get 100 percent of what you need from anyone, including yourself? And with that, Julia's heart decides to give her 100 percent and beats like crazy.

After the break, Hadley and Chase split up to get a list of recent sexual partners from Julia and Tom. Chase says this is necessary because they now think Julia has a parasitic infection, and since she hasn't been out of the country, she probably got it from a boyfriend or Tom's girlfriend who has. Tom says he hasn't traveled anywhere except Nebraska in the last year but is reluctant to tell Chase about any past partners. Chase thinks it's because Tom can't count all the random ass he's hit, but Tom reveals that he hasn't been with anyone except his wife. "We have a great sex life. I don't need anyone else," Tom says. This episode was written by women, wasn't it? Because I can't imagine there's a guy out there who could write a man saying that he's just fine with his sex life the way it is. Chase asks why Tom is in an open marriage, then, like this has anything to do with that parasite list. Tom says sometimes you have to do something you don't want to in order to make your wife happy, like see a chick flick or go to a classical music concert or agree to let her sleep around with hot young guys. "She needs this. I don't. But I don't want her to feel bad about that," Tom says. I guess if I were married to a doormat with no sex drive, I'd cheat on him, too.

House refuses to believe that Tom is only pretending to go along with the open marriage thing to make his wife happy. He says if Tom isn't seeing another woman, then he must be betraying Julia another way that makes him feel guilty enough to be okay with her cheating on him. "A unicorn isn't a unicorn. It's a donkey with a plunger stuck to its face," House sighs. Chase thinks House is being pessimistic and saying that the only reason why Tom isn't cheating is something underhanded. Hadley, on the other hand, thinks that House is actually being "romantic" through some convoluted logic that leads to her conclusion that House believes in monogamy. "Men are genetically engineered to be jealous," House just says, and changes the subject to Julia's boyfriends and where they've been. Hadley says there are two, but neither has been out of the tri-state area. Oh come on. Julia is married AND has had two boyfriends in six months (one of which we know is hot despite the silly ponytail), but I've been single for like 8 months now? It's just not fair. House says if the boyfriends are telling the truth, then Tom must be lying. "He's doing something behind her back," House says, pointing out that his business trip to Nebraska is probably a lie because no one goes to Nebraska on purpose. "Like that's really a place," House scoffs. Ah, the words of LA-based writers.

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