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Open and Shut

Chase and Hadley are sent to break into Tom and Julia's home to look for travel records that will prove or disprove Tom's story. They take three steps into the house before Hadley asks Chase why he seems so chill about the whole open marriage thing. She apparently expected him to have a problem with it. "They're still married. I'm not," Chase says. So I guess that's that, then. Divorce: final. Cameron: gone. He adds that if he was still married, he'd never go for an open marriage, as he was jealous of Cameron and House's relationship and "Cameron never touched him." Uh ... yeah. Sure thing, Chase. Hadley makes a comment about "emotional fondling," like she knows anything. You showed up in Season 4, darling. Hush. Then Hadley decides to make this All About Her and seriously kill the mood at the same time with this TMI: "when my mom was dying, my dad had an affair." First of all, I don't even think that's true, since Hadley lies all the time about her dad as we saw in last week's Truth or Dare game. Second of all, I don't care and it's not really relevant, since neither Julia nor Tom is dying. And third of all, why not go tell that to your Cambodian oversharing partner and spare us the details? Hadley says her dad never admitted the affair to her, but she saw the way he and the Other Woman interacted with each other. Also, they got married two years after her mom died. "That must've sucked," Chase says. Hadley says it did at the time, but now that she thinks about it, "it makes sense." Her father took great care of her mother and needed someone to give him the things she couldn't. Plus, Hadley says her mother never knew about it. Then again, Hadley's father thinks Hadley never knew about it either, but she did. So her mother probably did, too. Hadley says her father was devoted to her mother until she died, and "loving someone else didn't change that." I think I heard Rielle Hunter say pretty much the same thing when she was interviewed by Oprah the other day. I guess that makes sleeping with the guy whose wife has terminal cancer totally okay, then! Hadley says she hopes whoever is stuck taking care of her when she's dying has someone else on the side, too. I hope whoever is stuck taking care of her when she's dying has to start like next week so we can get Hadley off the show ASAP. With that, Chase finds documents indicating that Tom was, indeed, in Nebraska, such as "restaurant receipts." Yeah, like they have restaurants in Nebraska. Hadley, meanwhile, has been hanging out in Tom and Julia's bathroom, where she found another source of parasites: a loofah sponge.

Taub has dinner with Mrs. Taub, and mentions that they might want to throw away their loofah sponge, what with loofahs sometimes being imported and not sterilized so there's like one recorded case of someone getting sick from them. Lest you think Taub is saying this because he's worried about parasites, he then uses it to segue into discussing Julia, and how she has an open marriage. Specifically, one where one spouse sleeps with other people and the other doesn't but is totally fine with the arrangement. Mrs. Taub gets the hint: "is open marriage something that you want?" she asks. Taub immediately says the right thing here, which is "no." But then he follows that up with "I mean ... I know you'd never ... " Mrs. Taub immediately thinks that Taub is having another affair and if he isn't, he wants to. Why does Mrs. Taub put up with this? Taub acknowledges that there is a woman at work who's attracted to him and who he's attracted to back, but insists that he hasn't acted on it yet. Mrs. Taub doesn't understand why Taub is enough for her but she doesn't seem to be enough for him. I don't understand that, either. With that, Taub's pager informs him that Julia just lost all movement in her legs. Mrs. Taub wants Taub to stay at dinner so they can talk, reminding him that PPTH does have other doctors who can take care of Julia, but Taub leaves. Mrs. Taub makes a stricken face worthy of Cuddy.

In the meeting room, Chase says there's no evidence of parasites in Julia's shit and now they have a new symptom of paralysis. House only notices that Taub has a teeny tiny cut from shaving on his cheek, and instadiagnoses him with spending the night at PPTH and being forced to shave with his crappy locker razor. Taub doesn't bother denying it and skips right to putting the blame for this on House, telling everyone that he suggested open marriage to his wife and "it was a disaster." Even Foreman takes a second away from his standard incredibly bored expression to show surprise that Taub could be so stupid. Hadley's reaction is probably my favorite, as she gets that "whew ... this is awkward, and you are dumb" expression on her face. House changes the subject back to Julia, and Taub gets all bent out of shape, wanting House to focus on his marriage again so he can get some advice on how to fix it. Yeah, because House, Chase, Hadley, and Foreman are definitely the best people to seek counsel from regarding that subject. "You're the moron who took marital advice from Tila Tequila," House shrugs. Chase asks if they can focus on Julia, what with her dying and stuff, asking if her incredible sex drive (3-4 times a week with Tom plus boyfriends) could be a symptom of adrenal cortical carcinoma. Hadley gets all offended about this, asking if they're suggesting that a woman is only into sex if she has a medical problem. "Just because everyone in this room wishes that all women were horny all the time doesn't make it so," House sighs, along with the rest of the men. He orders an MRI (OF DOOOM!!) on Julia's adrenal glands to look for tumors.

Apparently, it's a leisurely Sunday morning over at House and Wilson's apartment, and Wilson reads the newspaper in the living room. Sam walks up with a mug of coffee and requests the sports page (which Wilson isn't reading, naturally) as she places the coffee on the table ... WITHOUT A COASTER. Wilson notices, and summons up the courage to ask her to use a coaster to protect the furniture that he didn't even want to buy in the first place. Sam does so, but Wilson is on a roll now, and suddenly asks her to replace the toilet paper when she finishes a roll, not place giant flat bowls on the bottom shelf of the dishwasher, and stop throwing banana peels in the bedroom trash. Sam says she hasn't done any of those things, and that's when Wilson realizes that House did them to try to turn Wilson against Sam. Wilson explains that House got the idea from when Sam dared to put the milk in the door shelf, and then over-explains why that upset him: "the body of the refrigerator is the coldest part. The temperature in the door fluctuates, which decreases shelf life." Sam then asks Wilson when he got all OCD about everything. Seriously. Although ... everything except the milk placement makes sense to me. Banana peels should not go in the bedroom trash. Organic matter should always go in the kitchen trash. Maybe I'm OCD, too. "I just want clean dishes and unspoiled milk so we can all stay healthy," Wilson says. Sam asks what the coaster has to do with health. She has a point there, but on the other hand ... you should really use a coaster when you're at someone else's house. That's more about being polite to the possessions of others than it is submitting to their crazy OCD demands. Wilson decides to drop it. Sam does for about five seconds, then asks Wilson if he's always had this mental list of annoyances, as he never said anything about any of this to her when they were married.

Evelyn drops by to see her mother. It's all sweet family time until Julia gets another guest: her hot boyfriend with a bouquet of flowers. Julia immediately orders Hadley off to play a videogame with Evelyn, and you know Hadley's disappointed that she won't be able to witness the drama. Taub gets to stay, though, as Tom stands up to Damian and tells him to leave. "Your relationship with her stays out of our space," Tom says. Yeah, except for when you interrupt their hotel sex, Tom, so she can sign school forms. Hypocrite. Damian says he was worried. Julia says he should go. D

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