Alias
Passage, Part I

Episode Report Card
admin: C+ | 1 USERS: A-
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If Music Be The Food Of Love

After a commercial break during which "Tension" makes a no-no on the living room carpet and slinks off to a corner whimpering, we return to Syd waiting and guards stalking. Seriously, that's it. Of course, they find her, and ass-kicking ensues. It's all Jennifer Garner, however, so that's pretty cool. But the entire scene leading up to the ass-kicking was more boring than watching paint dry on the back of a dead cockroach.

Thankfully, the scene's over and Syd's moved on to dressing up as one of the guards instead of dressing down one of the guards. She speed-walks through the halls, ordering some wandering Uzbekistan MPs to go look in the morgue as she passes them, and then makes her way outside. Dix screeches up in the truck, guns pulled, and Syd shrieks at him that it's her! It's her! Don't shoot! He yells at her to get in, and they squeal off.

Hell-Lay. Parking Garage Of Potential Boyfriends And The Men Who Wish They'd Disappear. Will's telling Vaughn that he knows all about Project Christmas. "I know," he says. "Sydney told me about Project Christmas, about how it was developed to identify future spies and now you're worried because you think the Russians might have used it to recruit American children back in the eighties?" Vaughn's all, yeah, uh, about that...Will's all, yeah, so, the thing is, I think there's totally something to this! Vaughn's all, I'm gonna have to fire y-- what? You do? You think there's something to it? Do tell! Will goes on to tell Vaughn about the KGB questions he found integrated into the 1982 standardized tests and how five million kids took the test. Vaughn's totally interested in what Will's discovered, but unfortunately, Devlin's pulled the plug on the research. Sounds to me like a little CIA-sanctioned cover-up action. True to form, Will's more bothered by the fact that there's some validity to his research than he is by the fact that he won't be MAKING ANY MORE MONEY. He's all, dude! Wait! There's something to this thing, Vaughn! Okay, look, I'll narrow down the test scores a small group of kids, okay? Devlin won't be able to ignore that, right? Vaughn's all, look, that's real nice of you, kid, but Devlin thinks you're a security risk because you were a journalist. Will's all, okay, fine. Whatever. Vaughn hands Will an envelope with seven hundred bucks in it. Will's all, dude, I didn't work that many hours. Vaughn's all, yeah, well, dude, I told you to take your time. Take the money. You've earned it. Worried that the extra moolah might require him to do something he's truly uncomfortable with, LIKE SPEND IT ON A NEW DENON RECEIVER, Will actually gives the excess back to Vaughn. Pussy. He got his ASS kicked all over the place in Taipei, and now he's bickering over a few extra hundred bucks because he has a MORAL BACKBONE? What-fucking-ever.

Center For Ovaries That Sing And The Sisters Who Do It For Themselves. Syd's hanging out cross-legged on her bed, paging through shit that doesn't matter, as The Guitar Of Girls Who Can't Find Their G-Spots plays in the background. Will walks in and pulls a "hey." Syd's all, hey (I'm going to look down at my bed as if my dog just died, but you can just ignore me). Will's all, what's wrong? Syd's all, nothing (look how my hair kind of swings down sadly in front of my face...don't I look depressed?). Will's all, dude? You're a fucking SPY and you can't lie better than that? The hell? If I'd just freaking MET you I'd know something was wrong. Spill. She looks like she's about to pop, so he walks in and sits down on her bed. The phone rings in the other room, thereby guaranteeing a full five minutes without Foolio showing up and spewing some inane comment about turkey burgers or salt shakers. Syd asks Will if he remembers Mr. Sark. Will's all, uh, remember? Gee. Lemme think about that. You mean the guy who SHOT ME WITH A FUCKING TRANQUILIZER GUN AND HAD ME TORTURED IN TAIPEI? No. Doesn't ring a bell. "Mr. Sark," you say? Hmmm. Nope. Syd's all, well, he's working with SD-6, and unfortunately I can't tell you anything more than that. Will's all, uh, you've seen him? You're working with him? Syd's all, well, yeah. Duh. I have to make him think I am, ya know? Will's all, that little British cocky son of a bitch is in L.A.? Hee. I just love it when Will gets all manly and forceful and indignant. With his scruffy beard and his flashing green-blue eyes, he looks hotter than hot.

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Alias

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