Passage, Part II

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National Lampoon's Kashmiri Vacation

CIA. Kendall tells Vaughn to contact the Bristows and tell them to get out immediately. Vaughn says he has no way of making contact with them, and asks Kendall why he needs to. Kendall says the Indians have found out that the Pakistani rebels have acquired nuclear weapons, and they will be launching air strikes within twenty-four hours. Vaughn says they have to stop the Indian army from going forward, but Kendall says the Indians found out that the CIA knew about the nukes and didn't tell the Indians: "They're insisting on going forward." Vaughn stops pedewhining and just plain whines, "Then let me make a personal appeal!" Kendall quietly tells him everyone's already working on this: "State, NSC, DOD..." Vaughn makes a confident start: "Look, you're probably going to say no to this, but I want to go to India. I was stationed there for two years; I have relationships --" "Go," says Kendall simply. Vaughn's like, "Guh?" Kendall -- probably just looking to get pesty, lovesick Vaughn out of his hair (as it were) for a few days -- says he'll have a military aircraft waiting for Vaughn, but that it'll be "totally back-channel." Vaughn can tell when he's not wanted: "You're just gonna...are you trying to get rid of me?" Kendall smirks, chucks him on the shoulder, and walks off. Vaughn runs away before Kendall comes back and asks Vaughn to bring him some opium or curry or something.

Super-Secret Facility Of Doom. In an apparently empty room, a screen comes off a wall, followed by Irina; she crawls out of the vent, trailed by Sydney and Jack. Irina sits at a handy desk and starts sketching out a crude map of the facility for Jack and Sydney, pointing out the two locations where the nukes could be stored: a sealed research lab, or a vault in the subbasement. "The lab's the better bet because its security system's more sophisticated," she explains. "So check the vault first?" Jack moronically suggests. Irina's like, "Not if we only get one shot. What did I just fucking tell you? The lab has thermal sensors to detect intruders through their body heat. If we raise the room to body temperature -- 98.6º -- the sensors won't be able to distinguish between us and the thermostat level of the lab." I'm no scientician, but it seems to me that that kind of workaround might be anticipated by an engineer designing a thermal sensor, and that checks might be built into such sensors to prevent would-be saboteurs from escaping detection that way.

But whatever. Irina directs Sydney to the appropriate heating panel, and Jack to a computer room where he'll record a new track over Cuvee's (head of the PRF, remember? Sark mentioned him) so that Jack's voice will open the lab door. Then Jack will record a cover of "Love Shack" (time permitting). Irina gets up, saying she'll be in Cuvee's private office. Jack informs her, "You and I are not separating -- not in here." Irina turns back, explaining as if to a stupid child, "Unless I deactivate the facility's surveillance system from Cuvee's office, we won't get anywhere near the nukes." "No," Jack snaps, like a stupid child. Irina delicately knits her brow as Jack continues, "You've done good work getting us here; I'm not blind to that. But I'm also far from trusting you. If you want those nukes for yourself, this is a perfect set-up. You were an officer in this facility; you've got friends here willing to work for you." At this last bit, Irina -- who had been looking down in frustration -- flicks her head up and scoffs, "Friends? Know what this place was when I was here, Jack? A prison, where the KGB interrogated suspected traitors. And no, I wasn't an officer here. I was a prisoner." Her eyes filling, she chokes, "Why do you think I learned the sewage tunnels, or memorized the mine locations? So I could escape, you idiot! We're out of time. We either split up and meet at the lab in five minutes, or we're going back. It's your choice." Sydney breathlessly backs Irina: "Dad, she's right. We don't have any more time." Jack clenches his jaw and nods briefly. Irina returns to a locker behind her, putting on uniform clothes and tossing some to Jack and Sydney. "I'll be at the lab in five minutes." "You'd better be," Jack rather ineffectually tells her. Or what? Or she'll be back in the evil saddle and you'll be in big trouble for letting her get away? Yeah. She'd better be, tiger.

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