House
Paternity

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Re: Lax

In the meeting room, Cameron writes down Dan's symptoms on a whiteboard. House notes that the "G" in "night terrors" looks a lot like the one in his signature. Cameron rolls her eyes. "What does the jerk tell us?" House asks. "Nothing good," Foreman says. Ha ha! Foreman's a jerk. Anyway, he adds that Dan's brain is losing control of his body, causing the jerks and the double vision. It's either a movement disorder or a degenerative brain disease. Chase the Optimistic says it could just be an infection. "You wish," says House. He then takes a second to criticize Cameron's family history-taking ability, as evidenced by the fact that she didn't even catch that Dan's dad isn't his real dad. What proof does House have of this? Well, apparently, men are raising children they mistakenly believe to be their own 30% of the time. Foreman says it's more like 10%. Either way, that's still a really high percentage, unless you're appearing on Maury, in which case it's really low. Cameron says that this doesn't even matter, but no one is listening to her because House and Foreman are taking bets about whose false paternity percentage is correct. How are they going to actually prove that? I have no idea, but House gets in a crack about Foreman's dad not being his real dad and Foreman does not stand up and hit House in the face.

Cameron gets back to work and suggests that Dan has leukoencephalopathy. Chase says it might be something completely unrelated to the brain and that might not even be serious, like, drop it already, Chase. He adds that if you discount the night terrors symptom, there could be a systemic cause to Dan's remaining symptoms. Cameron says that the way the parents described it, Dan was definitely having night terrors. Chase points out that Cameron is taking their word for it, which is wrong because people are evil and they LIE. House says that Chase has a good point, and Chase grins like a smug bastard. House orders a polysomnograph. I've had two polysomnographs, and they are not fun. It's probably the least painful thing that will happen to poor Dan in this episode, though.

Night falls on New Jersey. Dan is asleep in bed, closely monitored via video camera by the extra-hours-working Cottages. House enters Dan's room, which is pretty much all you need to see to know that this is the kid's nightmare, since House would never enter a patient's room in real life. Anyway, NightmareHouse -- who isn't much different than RealityHouse -- restrains Dan and starts putting some rubber gloves on, which is never a good sign. He says that Dan's brain problems are the result of nerve damage in his toes, and starts to mark off an incision point around Dan's big toe. Dan begs to see his parents. As X-Files-style creepy music plays, House picks up some heavy-duty clippers and tells Dan that this is going to hurt. No shit. Dan screams as House cuts off his big toe. Ugh, this is worse than that scene in Misery when Kathy Bates took a sledgehammer to James Caan's feet. And it's still not the most wince-tastic thing that will happen to Dan in this episode.

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House

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