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Promblems

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"Who's your daddy" isn't necessarily a rhetorical question

More of Lily and Josh's bad marriage. As Josh washes Chem's car and Lily rakes her lawn, Chem makes use of the Slosh and Slide. Lily tucks some dead leaves into her sweatshirt. Lily, why can't you just stuff your bra with toilet paper like everyone else? Back inside their apartment, they are exhausted from all the physical labor, but they have to do some seriously studying anyway because they both need scholarships. Lily sits down to work, and Josh discovers that the pillows on their couch are filled with dead filthy leaves. He assumes this is one of Chem's strange ways until Lily corrects him by explaining that she put the leaves there because she feels bad about "killing" a living thing. "Lily?" says Josh. "That's just nuts." Word. They snipe at each other over that until Josh decides that he's hungry. Lily announces that she doesn't cook so there's nothing to eat. Apparently, Lily was raised in a single-parent household, and yet it was never necessary for anyone to teach her how to purchase ingredients for and then assemble a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, open a can of Spaghetti-Os into a pan and heat it up, or even microwave a Lean Cuisine. Whatever. Josh whines about it -- he doesn't cook either -- and grabs an already open package of Pop Tarts. "So," says Josh, after a pause. "Do you wanna do it?" Lily is all, "How can you be so insensitive?" I'm all, "How can you maintain an erection amidst all that whining?" Okay, so now it's Josh's insensitivity that is turning Lily off from sex. Fair enough. But if Josh is really that much of a moron, why has Lily been going out with him all this time? Josh apologizes, and Lily moans about how badly things are going and what a failure she is as a wife already. "I thought marriage was going to be much more fun," she says. Josh suggests that they have fun by decorating the apartment, cooking a romantic dinner, and staging their own private prom. Lily is sweet on the idea and promises to "consummate" things on their prom night. Like, please shoot me the day I ever the word "consummate" to convince someone to have sex with me. "But how are we going to afford the streamers and romantic dinner?" she asks. "We have to get jobs," says Josh. Actually, Josh, if you guys are indeed not getting any financial support from your parents, you have to get jobs to pay rent and buy groceries. Then and only then, if there is any money left over, you can get the streamers and romantic dinner. Or do the laws of economics work differently in Southern California? Nevertheless, I cross my fingers and hope that this poverty plot leads to them both going on a deadly crime spree. I guess that would be too much to ask, since that would actually be funny.

The Palace. Harrison is checking out the baby and remarking on how tiny she is. "She looks tiny now," says Va-Jane-Ah. "But last week I thought she might be a Volvo." Brooke, Sam, and Mike give hearty laughs over the pain of childbirth. Never mind that Jane was able to expel the baby from her womb in about the amount of time it takes me to brush my teeth. Mike asks if the girls have come up with a name yet. Sam tells Mike that they're "paring down the list." The baby makes a stinky, so Mike and Jane head off to the nursery to change her. Now that the threesome are alone, Harrison tells them that he bought a tux at a store that Brooke suggested. I guess this store only sells one kind of tux because Sam concludes that the fact that Harrison's cummerbund matches Brooke's dress is more than just a coincidence. Harrison exits, and Sam starts sniping at Brooke for conspiring to steal Harrison. After some prodding, Sam admits that Nicole was the one who put the idea into her head in the first place. Brooke demands to know exactly what was said, "word for hateful word."

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