Queen B.

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Queen B.

Next day at school, Carmen pulls Brooke into the Kim Novak lounge to apologize for Sam’s supposed abominable behavior. Brooke confesses that she was on her way to Principal Hall’s office to withdraw from the race; Carmen gives her a big ol’ "stand up for yourself because you deserve everything in the world, even if you do have lank hair and an eating disorder" speech, which is very touching. They share a tender moment. Mmm.

Cut to the voting booths. Harrison says something casually to Sugar Daddy and Josh, which is odd, since the last time I saw those three boys together they were fist-fighting. April and May Tuna (mmm, love) give Sam a ballot, plus a heapin’ helpin’ of the stink-eye to boot. And -- let the voting begin. In wacky fast-forward. With yodeling. Harrison votes for Carmen, Brooke votes for Carmen, Sam votes for Carmen, Carmen votes for Brooke, SD votes for Poppy and does a weird little grunt-y dance afterwards, April Tuna (bless her heart) crosses out everyone’s name and writes in her own, May Tuna eats her ballot (hee), Smug Bitch votes for Poppy, Poppy votes for Brooke, Sam votes for Carmen, and Mary Cherry stuffs the ballot box. Phew. I’m exhausted. Thank heaven for commercial breaks.

Night of the big game. Cherry Cherry sits next to the Jane-Mike unit, wearing an insanely expensive fur coat. April and May are wearing matching dresses; May grazes on her corsage. Mmmm, love. Little Big Head and Lady T sit together, but LBH can’t help praying out loud for Carmen to win. Lady T takes it pretty well, all things considered. Ew -- Jane and Mike have a weird exchange in which they can’t seem to agree whether Jane should consider Brooke her daughter or not. (Hint: not.) Cut to Sam, sitting all alone in the top bleacher and looking as gothic as you please, all in black with a striking yellow mum in her hand. And so morose. Damn. If she’s not careful, it looks like some sensitive, reflective poetry might come spilling out of her mouth, which is strangely closed for once. Anyway. Down on the field, Smug Bitch gets to emcee the Homecoming Queen part of the game, and strides up to the microphone like the saucy little Leo that she is. O. Mi. God. What’s the Hell is up with her hair?! Spiky, yet gummy. Styled, yet strangely disastrous. O, Smug Bitch, what hast thou done? She does look great in that leopard coat, and somehow manages to get the entire student body to shout its approval of it, too. That little minx. She’s a spitfire, for sure. One by one she announces the contestants, who drive up in convertibles and line themselves up like the cattle, I mean, princesses that they are. Aw, yeah. Mary Cherry in full effect. When MC alights from her carriage, she pauses a moment to turn on her dress (yep, you read it right the first time, don’t make me repeat it), which is festooned with little lights. Yay! Makes me proud to be a Texan. (You know we all have light-up clothes down here in the Lone Star State. It’s considered tacky to go out without them.) SB lets the requisite amount of time pass between getting the Envelope and actually announcing the Queen, which is just enough time for Carmen to make a quick aside to the camera. "This is the part where I win, right? Right." But, no. It’s Brooke! Yay! Surprise! Not really! Carmen and Brooke exchange a few Meaningful Looks, then Brooke’s sick-picture falls out of Mary Cherry’s handbag? Okay, let’s take this one slow: first, why would a Homecoming Queen nominee have a handbag with her at the ceremony? Second, why would that piece of damning evidence be sitting just right on top like that? Anyway. I mean, whatever. Brooke, Mike, and Jane all look in horror up to the spot on the bleachers where Sam was sitting, but they can’t see her because her black clothes make her invisible. Or she’s already gone, one of the two.

Okay, get ready for poignancy. Sam’s at her dad’s grave. She puts the mum on his grave, and delivers this terribly sad speech to her dead dad about what a crappy person she’s become. Jane finds her at the graveyard, and eavesdrops on this private moment. Rude much? Oh, I’m tearing up, it’s sad, sad. The upshot is that Sam makes a resolution to be a nicer, better person so that she can move back out of the laundry room and up into the big house with the rest of the family. Jane finally stops creeping around and gives Sam a big ol’ hug. She apologizes for being so mean about the posters, then offers to double her allowance for the next six weeks. Who knew forgiveness was so easy to buy?

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