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Big Superman On Campus

Lois warns the last boy sitting that that this isn't "Suzy Sorority" he's playing with. She pronounces "playing" as "plying," which I guess works too. She says she's had vodka with Russian generals, and had black and tans with British battalion troops. So Lois was a big ole Army base slut? I freeze-frame on Lois's duck lips, hideous pajama top, and completely white eyes as her eyes are half-closed. It's not exactly the image of Lois Lane I grew up with. Li'l Bale tells Lois to stop talking. I love this guy. "Start drinking," he advises instead. People around them lay some more money on the table. Lois and Li'l Bale raise their shot glasses. "What are you doing, man?" says Luke from The O.C. He grew his hair out. He tells Li'l Bale that they have physicals coming up. Bale suggests that Luke ask him if he gives a rat's ass. Luke says, "All right, do you give a -- HEY!" Lois asks whether Li'l Bale is going to drink up or shut up. I think you were the one who was told to shut up, here, guy. Luke tries to restore order. He says he's gotta get up "brutally early" the next morning because they've got a recruit coming. He doesn't say he's going to pick up the recruit in Smallville, as will actually happen. Lois rolls her eyes. Li'l Bale and Lois go on about their business. "Dude, you've had enough," says Luke. "I'm not even tipsy, asswipe," says Bale. This guy RULES! Can we keep him? Bale's hand starts to shake. His hand and the shotglass land on the table. He collapses on his side. Lois, her eyes lazy, drinks her shot. Lots of cheers. She puts her glass down. There are three other glasses. Four shots? That's it? Luke shakes his head and helps his compadre up. Lois grins goofily. We're letting this lady jerkoff represent the future of investigative journalism?

On the street, Lois must smell like shit, because I can't imagine why else there aren't ten guys ready to "escort her home." Instead, she walks by herself down the street to her dorm. She's wearing hideous bunny slippers, and her white pajamas appear to have pictures of giant dishes of food on them. All she needs is four kittens tangled in her hair and the vision of old lady madness will be complete. She raises her arms to her sides. "Deep breaths. Fresh air," she chants to herself. "The world is not spinning." Li'l Bale, also wobbly on his feet, asks her to wait up. Why didn't Luke take him home? Lois asks if he shouldn't be in Pink Elephant Land right now. Bale says he's got another game, only this one they'll both win. "Come on baby," he says, leaning forward. "Gimme some." Lois suggests hide and seek. He'll hide and she'll count to a billion. She walks away. He follows her and asks her to "not be like that." Lois reminds him that he already has a girlfriend. Bale walks up to her, puts a hand on her shoulder, and spins her around. Lois responds by shaking that hand off and kicking him flat in the chest. He falls flat on his ass on the street and writhes, moaning: "Hey, that hurt!" He's moving around and doesn't look too badly damaged. Lois says that hide and seek would have been more fun. She goes home in her fugly pajamas.

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