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Big Superman On Campus

Just then, Luke walks into the barn downstairs. He calls out to Clark, "Future Met. U. Hall-of-Famer?" Clark sees this blond buff boy walk in, and it's all over for him. He's in luuuuuurve! Gayest Look of the Episode, right out of the gate. And by that, I mean Clark's pants. Bo asks what the "Teflon Tailback" is doing back in town. Looking to get his tail waxed, by the sound of it. Luke shakes hands with Bo (it's Duke Kismet!), and says that the coach sent him out earlier to surprise Clark. Clark, still lovestruck, says that it worked; he'd have never expected to see the Bulldogs' all-time rusher in his barn. Lex late at night, maybe, but not this Adonis! Luke claps Clark on the upper arm and says he's just a farmboy who's good at football, the same as Clark. He eyes Clark's chest. It's-a nice. Very nice. Bo says the "Teflon Tailback" is headed to the NFL, and is a legend at Smallville High. That's where he got his Teflon coat. "Your boy broke my record for single season TDs," says Luke, seemingly without bitterness. Bo grins and giggles like Charles Nelson Reilly: "Ha yes well ha ha he yes heh heh." Luke says that Clark's got what it takes. Now give it to him. He says Clark has "a heck of a ride" ahead of him. But he suggests that Clark keep a level head and remember where he comes from. Oh man, I don't think I'm mature enough to recap this, folks, seriously. Luke asks if Clark wants to say hi to Coach Quigley. Coach...who? What now? Bo and Clark were both hypnotized by their massive football hard-ons. Bo's eye even twinkles. It looks like Bovinus, the Cow Star.

Smallville High hallway. Lois, wearing Billy Joel's sunglasses, winces as someone closes a locker hard near her. She's walking down the hall with Chloe and dressed like she's part of Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation. Lois is expressing a rare moment of regret about the guy she apparently paralyzed. She tells Chloe that the guy can't even speak. Chloe says it doesn't take an M.D. to know that a kick to the gut won't paralyze you. Oh yeah? What about that time in Muriel's Wedding where Rachel Griffiths had the tumor in her spine and she fell down on her butt and then, boom, she's in a wheelchair? Huh? What about that? Oh. I've seen Muriel's Wedding, by the way. I don't think that makes me any less of a man. Lois takes off her glasses and announces that the judge had better see things that way or she'll be the star of her own women-in-prison movie. Might I suggest: Chained Bitch Who Won't Shut Up? Chloe asks how Lois made bail. Lois says that four friends helped her: Visa, MasterCard, American Express, and Discover. Discover? Ew. Lois says she came to town because she didn't know where else to go. How about to a lawyer? Chloe says she's going to Met. U. for a financial aid pitch, so they can ride back together. Clark walks up and says he heard what happened with Lois. He points to Luke down the hall and says that the guy Lois kicked was Luke's roommate. Lois, haggard as a rag at a Jiffy Lube, says she just kicked the guy; it wasn't enough to hurt him. Clark asks if she was drinking. Oops! Lois says she's giving up alcohol -- even cough syrup and rum cakes. Right. Because that's cute and funny to say when someone's in the hospital. If Lois and Clark are supposed to fall in love and that's this whole spiel, I can't imagine anyone who would want to want to watch these two go at it, romantically. It's like imagining what tuna fish in chocolate syrup would taste like. There's not even a curiosity factor there. A bell rings suddenly. Lois winces, puts a hand to head, and rolls her eyes. Ah ha ha! Oh, Lois. Will you ever learn? Before someone dies? Lois may have sworn off cough syrup, but she's not off pharmaceuticals entirely. She asks Chloe for aspirin. Chloe directs Lois to her desk at The Torch.

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