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Big Superman On Campus

Strike up the band! The stadium is far from empty. A band plays a rousing fight song while cheerleaders greet Clark with: "Clark Kent, quarterback/ He's a bulldog that's a fact." That's about as far as the lyricist got, so they repeat those two lines over and over. A bulldog mascot does standing jumping jacks while the marching band fails to march. Clark and Luke walk through the line of cheerleaders as an announcer starts in: "Ladies and gentlemen, playing quarterback for your Metropolis Bulldogs...from Smallville Kansas, number 8, Clark Kent!" Luke asks Clark if this isn't too cool. Clark thinks that's an understatement. Luke claps Clark on the back and tells him to get used to it. The megalomania starts here. An Ed Harris-looking coach greets Clark. He calls Clark the "Golden Arm of Kansas," and shakes his hand. Coach tells Clark that if he goes with Met. U., he'll win a national championship. Rock on. Clark thinks that sounds all right. The coach presents Clark with a baby blue jersey. It says KENT 8. So much that he got indigestion! Ha! I kid numbers. Clark is thrilled to get the jersey. "I know you're gonna make the right decision, son," says Coach. And then he disappears into a dimension where coaches don't do anything but greet prospective future star players and then walk off. Clark is still grinning when Gary Bergen, a guy in a black suit and slick tie, from Metropolis Motors, welcomes Clark on behalf of the Booster Club. He whispers in a dirty way that if there's anything Clark needs, he should call him. Clark thinks, "I'm gonna get me an omelet!" The boosters, players, and cheerleaders all clap. Luke is drowned out by the band as he explains that everybody wants a winning team, and that they have to make that happen. Clark says it's amazing. The camera cranes out as Luke tells Clark he hasn't seen anything yet.

Sorority house. It's amazing! Girls! And panties! And pink frilly stuff on the beds and weird cloggy hairs in all the shower drains! This must be what heaven looks like! All right, I admit it. I never actually got to hang out in any sorority houses in college. But I saw lots of movies about them in the '80s, so I think I can field this scene. All the sorority girls rush down the stairs and greet Clark as he enters the house with Luke. Luke is like, "Uh, hey girls. I'm here, too. And I got long hair. Have I mentioned I was on The O.C.?" Two of the girls in front pat Clark's chest as if it were soft fur. "The tri Alphas are...big football fans," Luke says. And how! The two boldest girls are a very cute brunette co-ed in a pink top and an even cuter African-Canadian (? I guess?) girl in a tight blue button-up shirt. Not that I was looking. The brunette tells Clark that they did a little research and discovered that Clark's favorite flavor is chocolate. They needed research for that? The girl in the blue top is all, "Damn skippy it's chocolate." The girls lead Clark to a big chocolate cake. It's got "We want you Clark!" written on the side, and a big white football and goalposts on top. There's no way that football is making it between those goal posts. A giant glass of lemonade sits next to the cake. Clark tells them they didn't have to go through the trouble. Pink Top tells him they'd do anything to get him to commit to Met. U. Clark's smile suddenly fades. He mentally gulps. They offer a tour of the house. As he's led upstairs, Clark is told by Luke to take his time. This is totally the Sir Lancelot "Spank the virgin" scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. A giant print of a huge pair of lips is on the stairway. How very Rocky Horror.

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