See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Smell No Evil

Episode Report Card
admin: B- | Grade It Now!
There is no spoon.

Well, that machismo lasted all of fourteen seconds. The next scene is Miguel calling Maritza from the cell-block phone. He gets her answering machine, and leaves a very long, very touching message where he rambles on at length about how much he misses her. It's really sweet and romantic right up until the end, when he loses it a little bit and starts turning into Mike from Swingers. You had her at "hola," Miguel. You should have stopped there.

You know, I've wanted all week to find a way to work "I am serious, and stop calling me Shirley" into the recap, but I never got the chance. So, there it is. Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue. Anyway, this time it's "common" sense she's talking about, and how common criminals don't ever seem to have any. All this by way of lead-in to the Ryan O'Reily segment of our broadcast, so I'm sure all you loyal recap readers out there won't mind if I just skip ahead to the part where a sweaty Ryan and a neatly coiffed Peter Schibetta confront each other in the weight room. Petey is still pissed about Ryan killing his dad, and even scores a mildly clever pun by asking Ryan if Father Salty McWashMyBody's death is "tearing [him] up inside." Get it? Because Ryan fed Daddy glass? It's almost enough to make you think Petey is smarter than he looks, although if that were the case, he'd know better than to take on Ryan. And he'd certainly know better than to threaten Ryan's mother, which is precisely what he does next. Petey explains that his wife's grandmother put the evil eye on Salty Shitpants, and that Betty Buckley is next in line to die covered in her own feces. All it takes is a personal item that belongs to the victim. Schibetta practically cackles with glee as he threatens to hex everyone Ryan has ever loved, and it takes two guards to prevent Ryan from killing the guy right then and there.

Which is fine, I guess, because that's not really the way O'Reily works anyway. Instead of direct action, he decides to pay a little visit to Chucky Pancamo, who opens the conversation by loudly declaring that he doesn't trust Ryan at all, and yet still ends up doing the guy's bidding after less than thirty seconds of persuasion. Man, we totally could have used this guy when I was on the debate team in college. All it takes to get Pancamo on board is for Ryan to let slip that Petey plans on cursing him as well. Chucky freaks, and sure enough, he starts thinking about killing Schibetta himself.

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