Oz
See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Smell No Evil

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There is no spoon.

Grumpy Old Pod. Rebadoze asks Busmalis if it's true that Norma came to visit, to which Busmalis replies, "So we're both in prison then?" Heh. "I thought we were doing questions we already knew the answers to," he continues. Rebadoze, on the other hand, obviously thought they were doing scenes we already hated, because he starts quoting William Blake again. The only really interesting thing about this scene is the fact that Rebadoze takes the neck string off when he goes to bed. Hmm. The mystery deepens.

Shirley. Some people's senses get mixed up, and they experience words as colors, or sounds as tactile sensations. Judging from the way my upstairs neighbors like to thump the bass on their stereo, that not necessarily an unusual condition.

Uh, whose bright idea was it to give matches to a guy who's on death row for ordering a fatal arson? Actually, when you think about it, it was probably the same guy who keeps stealing all the light bulbs. Timmy Kirk is in his cell, chanting various satanic incantations into a burning black candle, when Father Mukada stops by for a nice little visit. The good father is in street clothes because of his suspension, and he tries desperately to look as imposing as a man who only weighs thirty-five pounds possibly can as he demands that Kirk retract his allegations of sexual abuse. "You touched my penis," replies Timmy, before adopting a hilarious tone of disgust and adding, "You licked my ear." There's more blah blah Satancakes before Timmy finally cops to his master plan, which is to see Father Mukada defrocked and despairing as the result of his own death. The Synthesizers Of Evil Incarnate play us out of the scene.

And straight into one even more unrealistic than the last. Timmy's ex-wife (I need a name here, people ["Eleanor O'Connor" -- Sars]) actually manages to convince Leo that holding a photo-shoot for Maxim magazine on death row would somehow be a good idea. Leo's only objection is that it all somehow seems unethical. Mine is that whoever's been running the print side of The AOL Time Warner Cross-Promotional Synergy Team has clearly been running amok on the set of Oz for weeks now. Cut to Lopresti informing the inmates, with Keller practically bursting into schoolgirl giggles behind him. Chris is even happier to learn that the pictorial comes out in January (On newsstands now! Buy copies for all your loved ones!), because his execution isn't scheduled until April. From there we go right into the shoot itself, the highlight of which is a picture of Cyril and Jericho decked out in a turtleneck and black suit. Man, that sock is stylin'! When all four inmates are gathered together for a group shot, however, Hoyt makes the most of a rare opportunity. A quick punch to the gut doubles Timmy over, and after taking a brief moment to deck Lopresti and strike an insouciant pose for the camera, Hoyt grabs a klieg light and smashes it into Timmy's face. And while I did admittedly bitch about last week's death by dart, I do have to agree that killing Timothy "Cocksucker" Kirk by shoving a giant, electrified light bulb down his throat is pure comedy genius. Farewell, Timmy. Only in Oz could blowjobs and the brutality of your death combine to provide such quality dramatic irony.

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Oz

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