Shelayna & Milena

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Is That A Beer In Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Same straw bull. Same howdy sign. What must that mean? Why, we're still following Bart and Shelayna around. (Dear Bridezillas: If you don't have enough footage for three episodes on one couple, don't be afraid to cut it to two. My recaps might be longer if I wasn't seeing many of the same clips for the billionth time.) There are the usual clips, including the one of her kicking the bed angrily, which we haven't even seen for real yet, but which I feel like I know already. He's everything she was looking for, she compliments him, he proposed when she was naked as a jaybird just out of the shower. I understand needing to catch up viewers who might not be regulars, but using an ounce of creativity instead of changing two seconds out of the entire package would be greatly appreciated for those who do watch each episode. Her parents have paid for much of the wedding, and she and Bart are paying for the rest. She wants it to be how she wants it.

But as Mindy tells us, "Such a high-minded goal has turned Shelayna, once sugar and spice and everything nice, into a lean, mean, briiiiiiidezilla machine." There's a montage of her yelling at Bart and throwing fits, all of which we are intimately familiar with by now. Shelayna adds, "I can't imagine a girl that wouldn't be a bridezilla -- that, you know, is happy go lucky, and everything just... I mean, I don't see it happening." She and the show should've had a talk about the definition of the word, since, again, I don't think wanting your wedding to go as you've planned it -- being one of the most important days of your life and all -- is too much to ask. But if you're being a raging bitch about it, now we're talking "bridezilla."

The bridal party are going to Luckenbach for the bachelorette party. In preparation, Leticia gets Shelayna outfitted in a tacky veil and a t-shirt with a bachelorette checklist of things she must complete that night. We've all done this, right? Get a guy to buy you a drink, get a condom from a guy, etc. -- but the one that gives Shelayna pause is to "slow dance with a dork." Each scene throughout the rest of the night is a blur-o-rama, as most bachelorette accessories are not fit for television. From what I can deduce, she's got a penis lollypop, a penis beer bottle-topper, and is wearing the inflatable willy (24"!) that Leticia brought along tied around her waist. Mindy excitedly narrates, "At the bar, there's no 'urban' in these cowboys -- they're the real thing." Do you think she goes home and weeps after having to sell these lines on television? Shelayna is now also sporting a big, glittery lip tattoo on her neck, which I think is actually kind of cute. She gets kisses on the cheek, she collects her condom, she does shots, and when asked what her mother would think of her behavior tells the guy, "She's here!" It looks like they're having a great time. I'd like a Leticia for myself, please -- she seems to be having a great time leading Shelayna through the traditional debauchery. They head to a new bar where one guy smacks her ass, and two others drop trou and show off theirs.

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