Shut Up, Maile

Episode Report Card
admin: F | Grade It Now!
I Hate You Guys So Much

Nicole takes off her glasses and flirts with the camera. Maile holds some flowers. The narrator says their biggest moment (Cue #92), "Is yet to come." They're going to be on Live! With Regis and Kelly. And it'll be on television! And people might watch it! And then they'll meet a fan. They will hug the fan. They will love the fan. They yell at her for being their first fan as the Tiny Squares of Repetitive Girls and Fun fill the screen. I fall backwards on my bed and wish for a heroin dream. No such luck. Why didn't I try and get that drug habit back in episode three?

This show is brought to you in part by Gap. Where their models are pretty, can sometimes sing, usually can dance, and wear clothes well. Their thirty-second spots are nineteen million times more interesting than this half-hour program. And yes, I mathematically and scientifically calculated that number.

Even this Dr. Pepper commercial has more drama. Will the DJ miss a beat? Will the diva with the Dr. Pepper gobo highlighted on her dress dance outside of her circle? Will she pull out that camel toe so I can stop staring at it?

Will anyone see Spy Kids? Will Robert Rodriguez expect me to see it just because I enjoy his work? Is he ever going to make a movie that I want to see again? Did him and Quentin sign some sort of a pact to stop making good movies until everyone stopped ganking their styles?

Oh, we're back. The narrator recaps the past ten minutes, so I won't. Remember how they went yesterday to a bunch of places and did interviews? Yeah, we see that shit again. AGAIN. And now they're going to Live! With Regis and Kelly because we forgot. There are people outside the studio paid to ask Eden's Crush to sign autographs. They do. Rosanna tells us in a split screen that getting recognized like that was "overwhelming." They still pose for pictures, never taking off their sunglasses, as that might jeopardize the level of cool these girls have worked so hard to reach. That and you'd run the risk of being able to tell them apart if they weren't all wearing the same leather jacket and dark sunglasses. And that would be tragic. It ruins the sex fantasy of humping quintuplets. Oh, like I'm the only person with that fantasy. You shut up. I saw your Menudo poster. Your New Kids poster. Your Jackson 5 poster. You're right. I'll stop now. Rosanna gets the best line of the episode: "A lot of people think that this group is really cool!" Hee.

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