Ed
Something Old, Something New

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admin: D | Grade It Now!
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Gobble, Gobble, We Accept You, We Accept You, One Of Us

Coincidentally, the next scene finds Ed and Carol pumpkin hunting, trying to find the perfect pumpkin for Natalie Stevens' Pumpkin Pie. They're talking about their childhood as Ed confesses he always wanted to be a professional basketball player growing up. Carol then goes into a story on how her mother died when she was twelve, and she spent most of her formative years caring for her younger sister because Daddy was a sonofagun who worked all the time. Ed now sees Carol in a different light...not as the bouncy cheerleader, but as a mother figure. Carol kinda blows it off, but it's a sweet moment...one of the sweeter ones this show has produced. So sweet, in fact, that I think I got diabetes just from watching this one scene.

Back in court, Frank Jordan is being examined. He admits he had fifty "No Trespassing" signs all over his lake house shack, but kids still broke into it every year. When he invented the cantapult, he was at his wit's end. Ed then begins his cross-examination. He asks if Frank remembers him. Frank looks at him and says "no." Ed explains that, years ago, he too broke into Mr. Jordan's shack to drink some booze, and Mr. Jordan waved a shotgun at him. "I wouldn't have killed somebody," was Mr. Jordan's defense. Ed brought up the velocity in which his cantapult hurled the cantaloupe at the painting in the courtroom the day before, and concludes that indeed the cantapult could kill a man. Or a nerdy teenager looking to catch a buzz off a warm Miller Lite.

Meanwhile, Phil is inside the grocery store, hanging up a huge sign in the front window apologizing to the customers, but the shipment of Fine Corinthian Turkeys is not going to make it to the store in time for Thanksgiving. As the store manager walks over to see what Phil's doing, Phil segues into this sleazy rap about how he's in upper management, and that the truth is somebody dropped the ball at corporate with these Fine Corinthian Turkeys and never ordered them. So rather than look stupid for not having these hot Thanksgiving items, he's saving face for the store by not admitting they were too stupid to order the turkeys. The manager agrees and helps him hang up the sign. That Phil is one smooth feller.

During the final arguments, Ed says that Gavin is just a normal kid taking part in a local silly TRADITION. Frank Jordan doesn't have the right to kill harmless teens looking to drink a little beer and freebase a little coke. Frank's attorney hops up for his turn and says that this tradition is not only dumb and silly, but it's also illegal. "Not all traditions are meant to last," the attorney says. He adds that if Gavin had obeyed the fifty signs outside the property, his shoulder would be okay today. And if Floridians were smart enough to know how to reach election ballots, we might know who our next president would be by now.

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Ed

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