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Next on, "Smallville..."

We peer up to see something both hilarious and mortifying: Clark is sans shirt, and he's dancing with Countess Lana and Maddie-Chloe. I know it's my job to distill these episodes into something like 8,000 words, but sometimes, like now, words simply fail me. Clark's dance is a variation on the "white man's overbite" with some Amanda Bearse Married with Children chicken-lady thrown in, and a dash of Gay Dance Party '04 head tossing. It's notable for its remarkable lack of shame. As I keep saying, the parents just aren't raising this farmboy right if he can't be ashamed of his own body when it does things like this. The recruiter calls out to gay-chicken-dancing-action Clark. Clark, in a very funny '80s boob movie high voice, says, "Hey, come on in! Join the party!" I expect Ducky and John Cusack to walk out at any moment. Clark goes, "WOOO!" and gets behind Countess Lana, pumping his fist the way I sometimes do to denote sexual activity. Then, in case we didn't hear it the first time, he goes, "WOOO!" again. It's the Clark Train! I thought that only existed in the football team's locker room. Clark continues to "WOOO!" and shake his fist and bob his head and pretend to have interest in Countess Lana all the way to commercials. Which is good, because we really need a palate cleanser after that.

Commercials. One for Charmed. How nice.

The next morning. A world wakes to The Morning After the Farmboy's Dance. It's Kent Farm. And boy do we have a mental hangover. We pan across the barn loft, where party clothes and streamers lie alongside piles of hay. If you can't have enough gay at your big party in Kansas, you can always provide your own "haaaaaay!" Clark answers a ringing phone, which just woke him up. It's MamaKent. He asks how they're doing in Metropolis. As Clark is talking, a half-naked couple gets up from a hay pile near him and exits. Clark is left holding the guy's pants. Virgin no more? You decide. MamaKent asks about the recruiter. Clark says he thinks he made an impression. Ha! But not really.

Lair of Lex. We hear the familiar Schubert music that Lex was playing earlier. As Lex continues his recital, Clark walks in and tells his sob story about the party and the recruiter and how he thinks he blew it. Here's what a great friend Clark is: even though he's treated Lex like shit for three years and lies to him constantly while accusing him of being the actual evil liar, Clark now wants a favor. He wants Lex to use his connections at Princeton to help this big, dumb, lying, whining alien farmboy. This better be one great blowjob, Kent. Clark pauses long enough to receive a signal from Earth on his home planet of Selfish Ass, and notices that Lex isn't looking so hot. (For once.) Lex is, in fact, playing the piano in a crazed frenzy, and he looks strung out and exhausted. Lex looks at Clark helplessly. We cut to the piano, the keys of which are lightly covered in blood. "Lex, what are you doing?" Clark asks. He tells him to stop. Lex says he can't. Clark shuts the piano keys and pulls Lex away from the instrument. He asks what happened. "Lana!" Lex says fiercely. Yes, but he's asking what happened to you, not to the quality of the show in general. Clark holds Lex in his big strong arms and for once shows a little compassion to the bald and the sexy. It's the Gayest Look of the Episode, one born of desperation.

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