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Next on, "Smallville..."

Lana starts flipping through the book without so much as a pair of comic book-reading gloves. She asks, "How's your Latin?" Jason sticks his tongue in her mouth and says, "Not as good as my French." Only he doesn't, really. He actually says it's not as good as his non-existent Italian. Lana keeps flipping through the book and comes upon the bloody spittle. The fireplace suddenly blows out. Jason goes to see what's up. "Oh my God," Lana says, "this is the symbol from Isabelle's tomb." Jason says that's kind of spooky. Lana runs her fingers up the page and touches the historical loogie. The symbol on Lana's back suddenly glows bright fuchsia. The Pink is back! God help us all. The fireplace bursts into huge flames, singeing the Hell out of Jason. This is where he should go, "Weird tattoos, superpowered half-retarded quarterbacks, a girlfriend who doesn't laugh at my jokes and gets me fired. Seriously? I'm outta here. Man, this is one seriously fucked-up chick." Instead, Jason just goes, "AGGH!" and loses some eyebrows. Lana arches her back in some sort of funky trance, her eyes glowing the same pink color as her tattoo. Her pupils settle on a purple-pink color that goes nicely with the bruises that'll soon be inflicted upon Jason. Jason -- who should be getting an EMS airlift right about now -- brushes himself off and asks if Lana is all right. Lana -- who was about ten feet from the fireplace -- is being asked this by the guy with second-degree burns. Lana stands up, holding the book. She smiles as she touches her stomach and gives Jason a come-hither look. "Never been better," she says. Jason, looking a bit intimidated, says, "Oh, good, because just now when I got a flame to the eye I -- WHAAAAA? Why are you smiling like that?" We go to opening credits.

Somebody SAAAAAAVE us from this episode! I laugh at Lana and the weekly fireball. Payback's a bitch.

Dark stormclouds over the Kent farm. I'm sure that's not any kind of foreshadowing there. Clark is baling some hay, at normal-man speed, when a silver SUV pulls up. It's Lois Lane, who left for all of two episodes. Clark comes over and asks what she's doing out of school. Lois says they're throwing a birthday party for Chloe in his barn...remember? Clark remembers nothing of the sort. Of course, he doesn't even remember what he had for breakfast this morning. He thinks it rhymed with "burial," which he also doesn't remember doing to half the Kryptofreaks in town. Clark's memory, it's a little spotty. Clark gives Lois a glare and says he remembers telling her they couldn't have a party in the barn. "Too late!" she says. The guests have already been invited. She hands Clark an open cardboard box full of frilly decorations. Lois says that if Clark cancels, it would hurt Chloe's feelings, and then Lois would have to hurt Clark. She's not exactly Ms. Lovable Lane, is she? And she looks like she aged about five more years in her two weeks as a college freshman. Lay off the binge drinking, Lois! Lois says she has to get the "wheels" back to her dad soon, so she asks Clark for help with the rest of the stuff in the SUV. Clark is freaking out, because he has a recruiter from Princeton coming in that night. (Snort. Hee.) Yes, given that Princeton's men's football team is about as respected as Texas A&M's rowing team, it's funny to think that Clark might get in based on his brains. You know, it's a big campus. They must just need a super-ass janitor. Clark also mentions that his parents are out of town. Oh really? Lois tells "Smallville" to relax. It'll just be a few people singing "Happy Birthday" and standing around. This party's gonna suck! Clark's got a bad feelin' about this. Just like me when I hit "Play" on the TiVo earlier.

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