Episode Report Card
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Paranoid Man-droid

Lana, in the Lair of Lex, hears the commotion and tries to run away. Clark pushes through the double-doors (again, not using his powers, but just looking sweaty and pissed) and yells for Lana. He uses his hearing to pick up on Lana whimpering. He superzips, following her into the basement and calls again. "Lana! I wanna talk," Clark says drunkenly. His puffy eyes make him look a bit Dave Grohl. "We were meant to be together!" Clark calls out. Clark uses his x-ray vision to see a teeny-tiny skeleton trying to be invisible. The skeleton is holding the silver rock. Fairly nice effect: the skeleton morphs into Lana's frightened face as Clark finds her. Clark smiles and it's hella creepy. Clark tries to reassure Lana that everything is fine and that he's stopped Lex. But who'll...who'll stop you? You monster! Lana asks if Clark hurt Lex. Oops, wrong question. Clark gets defensive and asks why she cares about Lex so much. He picks her up roughly. Lana tells Clark that whatever he thinks he saw, it was just part of a delusion. Clark says he saw them kissing. "No, I would never do that!" Lana says, shaking her head. Clark, holding Lana, tells her to stop lying. He goes for the choke hold. I guess it really is a Kryptonian thing, huh? He holds her up by the neck, which I can't imagine wouldn't snap Lana's head right off. Clark tells Lana that he loved her more than anything else, but that she still betrayed him. Dude, go find Al and Miles and choke them! Lana gasps.

"Clark!" someone yells. It's Marsters! Er, "SoFine"! And he's pissed! But he reins it in and simply says, "You don't want to do that." I know we've all fantasized about it, but dammit, he's right. Clark drops Lana. "Trust me," SoFine says. Clark, in tears, says he can't trust anyone anymore. Trust me, Clark. I'll tell you when you're being a Big, Dumb Asshat. Clark tries to zip to SoFine, but SoFine is zip-enabled, too. He superzips across the room, to Clark's surprise. Holy bejeezus! Clark, looking more haggard by the second, asks if SoFine is one of Lex's experiments. SoFine says he's not. He's a friend, and if Clark hurts Lana, it'll destroy him. Clark thinks about that for a minute. No, he doesn't! He swings and cracks SoFine right across the jaw, launching him thirty feet across the room. So much for empathy. SoFine crashes into a table more expensive than his teaching salary. He gets up in some sort of CGI slow motion and fire-eyejaculates at Clark. My goodness! The eyejaculate gets Clark right in the chest, which I guess is kink, and throws him back. SoFine is right there, zipping over to straddle Clark and hold him down. Clark asks, "What the hell are you?" SoFine says he's a Kryptonian, just like Clark. But shorter and skinnier. He got the shit end of the Kryptonian gene pool. And he never leaves home without the Kryptonian Express Card. It looks like a big-ass needle plunger, though. "And I'm sorry," SoFine says as he plunges this ugly gadget right into Clark's neck. "This is really gonna hurt," SoFine adds. Clark screams as the thing screeches. A red light on the bulbous tip goes off (and no, this scene cannot be any gayer, so stop asking). In it is a floating splinter. Not beads or Astroglide? SoFine tells "Kal-El" that he'll be all right. "Lana?" we hear someone call out. It's Lex. SoFine zips out of the scene before he can be seen. And of course Lex has no surveillance cameras like every other billionaire does. "Lana," Clark says, sadly.

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