Subject: Coelacanth This!

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Derek, Jason, and Chloe are in the truck, driving down some sort of back road at night. Well, it's actually more like early morning; Chloe reports that it is "4:30 AM." Jason and Derek banter over whether or not they missed their exit, even though they don't appear to be on a major highway of any sort, and I wouldn't think a back road would have exits per se, but clearly I'm overthinking this. Jason calls Derek "Magellan," since he's the one with the map. Heh. Chloe expositions that they are on their way home from Tennessee, where they were looking for Bigfoot, but didn't find anything. Derek says that they got six hours of footage of what Jason calls, "a drunken hillbilly." Chloe thinks she has Lyme disease. Jason doesn't think it was a tick. Chloe says that a tick is what Lan gets when she thinks Derek is ignoring her. Derek is all, "Huh?" Chloe is all, "She likes you." Jason is all...nothing, actually. Jason just drives.

Derek tells Chloe to "stop!" Jason stops the truck, but not because of what Derek said. There's another vehicle overturned in the road ahead. Derek and Jason get out, and it's all very Jurassic Park, with the pouring rain and the overturned SUV. Chloe tries to call 911, but can't get any service on her cell phone. That's how we're supposed to know that they're in the middle of nowhere. Because all civilized townships have cellular service. And cable. And Chinese delivery places. And an Old Navy. Anyway, Derek keeps yelling, "Is anyone there? Is anyone hurt?" as they shine their flashlights around. Jason's flashlight shows large amounts of blood on the ground, like, wouldn't it have washed away in this torrential downpour? There's actually a trail of blood that leads into the woods, and call me Kenny Rogers because I'm the Coward of the County, but I would not follow that trail. They do. There must be a full moon. Scratch that. They must be on Tatooine and there are two full moons, based on the amount of light shining through the trees. While it's raining. And thus, one would expect, cloudy. Derek stops short when he realizes that the trail has disappeared, and the three of them shine their flashlights around and argue about whether it disappeared. Maybe the rain washed it away? Just a thought. Suddenly, a half-naked girl, bloody and battered, is standing behind them, screaming, "He's gone!" Derek asks who's gone, and the girl says that it's her boyfriend, Brandon. Derek asks where he went, and I realize they are in the middle of a crisis here, but if she knew where he went, would she be crying and wandering around the woods in a slip? The girl says that "it took him." Derek's all, "It? What's it?" and the girl cries, "I don't know!" Credits.

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