Survivor
Survivor Season 1: The Greatest And Most Outrageous Moments

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Striking It Rich a Second Time

The next segment is one I don't remember from the show. Each of them gets on a scale and sees themselves in a mirror to guess how many pounds they've lost. Jeff records their guesses on a big cheesy piece of parchment. They all feel they look great. This beats Jenny Craig any day. Colleen wins by guessing she lost nine pounds. The biggest weight losers were Rudy and Rich. Colleen wins a chocolate bar and shares it with her crew.

Next segment is the pixie herself. Colleen is shown supporting a friend on the same tape for her audition. In her interview, she talks about how she fought forest fires. She comes across as funny and articulate and cute, making it no wonder she was selected. Even if she says "like" about twelve thousand times. Quick shot on the island of her putting on her bikini bottoms with a towel over it. "No!" she says to the cameraperson. We see Colleen running around with Greg in leech land. We see a lot of the footage from when the editing made it look like Colleen and Greg were getting it on. I would think they'd take this opportunity to dispel that myth, but no. It's implied just as it was on the show by the other contestants, including the bits with Colleen saying that it's all about sex, which she and Greg later said was their attempt to goof around and manipulate the confessionals. Colleen's legs are spotlighted next. Good lord, those sores are nasty. Sean looks at them and doesn't do a damn thing. I don't remember seeing them so much on the show. Bugs are living in her wounds. Nasty, nasty. At tribal council 11, Richard blames Colleen for falling off the reward challenge beam. Kelly was supposed to go, but won the challenge, so now it's Colleen. He actually seems pretty disappointed by this. Sean intentionally writes her name as "Cooleen." Idiot. On her way out, Colleen tells them to be good to each other because she'll be watching. And with that, America's sweet delicate flower of pus-filled leg wounds is off. On her closing, she says she had lots of fun but that toward the end, she didn't want it as badly as she thought she did. In ten years, she says, she could kick a lot of ass. She says that if she'd been on the other team, she could have won.

Sean's segment is next. It starts with Rich giving Sean a hard time for waking him. Sean calls Rich cranky. Rich fires back. They have no chemistry. Sean is shown in his home, where a weird sketch of a woman hangs on the wall behind him. A shot of him at his work in his hospital outfit has me reeling in disbelief. He says in his audition tape that Jerry Seinfeld, Joey Buttafuoco, and the Baldwin brothers are from his town, and that he'd like to be in their league. Dare to dream, guy. Part of his tape is shot in his shower with some toy animals in his tub. I'm totally physically ill. In his interview, he's wearing hospital scrubs. Kiss-ass. Back on the island, Sean is using his Superpole, which is the most useless Sean-related invention since the Fat Naked Fag calendar. He never catches anything with it. He says the area may be overfished. By who, Sean? The invisible fishermen? Sean shows off his luxury item: a razor. Then he reveals something I did not want to know: he starts at the face, but also shaves his chest and belly. Hear that, ladies? He's ashamed to be hirsute. Oh, fucking gross -- now we're seeing him shave his belly and then explaining why he does it. Because male models do it, basically. You dumb-ass. He is so spectacularly voted off. Richard blames his wavering and voting strategy for the vote. "See ya at home," Richard says. Rudy blames it on the Master Plan. Sue calls Sean "buddy." Sean has nothing to put out because his torch went out during the vote, Probst says, which I don't believe for a second. In his closing remark, he says his friends sliced his throat open on national TV and then passes it off as a joke. Okay, Mr. Bitter. He says there are callous, cold, and duplicitous people in the contest. He says it's phony and disgusting. Oh, you're just mad you didn't win. He does point out that he owes $250,000 in student loans. Bye, Sean.

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Survivor

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