Survivor
Survivor Season 1: The Greatest And Most Outrageous Moments

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Striking It Rich a Second Time

The original Survivor opening credits come up with the "tribal vocalizings," as my closed captioning calls it. I've always liked that shot of Colleen with her finger on her mouth and the little things buzzing around her like pixies. That's pretty Disney. Or Playboy. I watch the credits closely to see if the credit sequences have been enhanced or expanded for DVD. Hey, I think I see a boob! No, wait. That's just Sean. Man, I had totally forgotten Dirk and Stacey and Joel were ever on the island. Their fifteen minutes ran out sometime in early August.

Back on the boat. The famous intro of the boat that started the show with Probst narrating the mad scramble to get useful items off the ship. People are yelling, "Here, and here!" as they are given two minutes to salvage whatever they can. Jeff the Proboscis is setting the scene in his little "J. Crew for Juniors!" outfit. Shots of island life: A nasty-looking snake attacks the camera. An iguana walks. Sue talks. In the midst of this Probst just won't shut up. I'd forgotten how long-winded he could be. People are leaping from the boat. Probst is suddenly wondering where everybody went. Backpacks are thrown. Water is splashed. Boxes fall in the water. Seen it. Taped it. Read the recap.

We are given the map and fly-over of the island. "This is more than a test of survivor skills," Jeff intones. So what the Hell did you call it Survivor for? "It's also a test of social skills." Oh.

The islanders arrive. Both tribes celebrate as they make it to shore. Trust me, you won't be celebrating when you're eating larvae. Gervase gives out a big "Whoooo!" For no real reason other than that he can't swim and he's out of the water.

A title card declares, "Setting Up Camp, Day One." Richard and Rudy are already bitching because they don't want to sleep on the boards that have been set up to keep people off the ground and away from rats and bugs. With typical panache, Rudy declares that he won't be eating rat until he's hungry. Inspiring. "I don't need food," Richard says. His stomach yells, "The fuck!?" He says he just wants to know how they're going to win the first seven challenges. Whoa, slow down there, guy. There's sand, surf, ladies! Oh. Yeah. Never mind. We go to a confessional where Richard (with an open white shirt and Survivor towel draped on his shoulder) says, "I've got the million-dollar check written already. I'm the winner." He says that cocky attitude usually makes people hate him. So, he says, he needs to keep that in check. Before he wreckety-wrecks himself. He inspires boredom in the next bit, where he's lecturing about "reflective listening" and other bullshit corporate training stuff. Richard Hatch may be single-handedly responsible for the current dot-com recession. You know, it looks like people are doing lots of work, and Richard's just shooting his mouth off. Nice. Sean interjects and Richard just babbles on. I think I see now how Richard won: he talked everyone into a stupor. Sean says, "What if I'm right all the time?" He believes he's right about 80 percent of the time in arguments, and wants Richard's professional advice. Richard believes he's right about 95 percent of the time. Kelly walks by, puts her hand on Richard's head, and says there should be a balance between island fun and getting serious in the challenges. "I can shut up and help now," Richard says. Everybody cheers.

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Survivor

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