The Birds & The Batteries

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The Birds & The Batteries

Cut to Amy and Ephram. Amy is biting her fingernails and worrying whether she should call Hannah to see if she's okay. Ephram says she's fine. Amy disagrees, and asserts that Ephram obviously wasn't listening to the story she was just telling. Ephram says that not making the ballet team isn't a big deal. Amy says Hannah didn't just not make it, she fell down in front of everybody, and bumped into people, and everyone started laughing. Ephram giggles a little bit. Mean. Amy tells him that it's not funny. Ephram says it kind of is, and since Hannah can barely walk and chew gum at the same time, signing up for ballet wasn't the wisest move on her part. Amy says it wasn't Hannah's idea, it was hers. Ephram says it's not Amy's fault that Hannah fell. Amy, freaking out in the way that only an Abbott can, says everything's her fault -- first the Bright thing, now this, and now Hannah has just one more completely humiliating experience that she can relate back to Amy. Ephram, who is being just a tiny bit too cool about this, says that Hannah will get over it. Amy: "I just want her to like me." Oh, Amy. It took some of us three years to like you. Give it some time, honey. Ephram says Hannah will find her niche -- she kind of already has, since she's a writer. Amy's ears perk up at this. She immediately formulates a plan to get Hannah to join the newspaper, and the yearbook, and submit her writing to all the cool magazines, like Cosmo Girl and Jane, and then she'll be the most popular girl in the SCHOOL! Of course, Amy adds, she'll have to read Hannah's personal journals first, to find out if she's actually a good writer. Ephram's like, "You think she'll just hand those over to you?" Amy says that's the point she's been trying to make -- their friendship hasn't reached that level yet, and it needs to. Amy, what is the first rule of Stalker Club? WE DON'T TALK ABOUT STALKER CLUB.

Treat's Office of Hello, MEOW! Treat is advising his patient -- a beturbaned black lady whose eyes are so black that either her husband beats the crap out of her, or she's got cancer -- to avoid any undue exertion. Cancer Lady says it's hard to exert much of anything these days. Her husband, the fabulous Ernie Hudson, comforts her from the sidelines. Treat tells "Mrs. Hoover" that she has had an amazing run. Ernie adds, "That's because she is amazing." Aw. Mrs. Hoover says it's all part of her master plan -- she skipped over denial and went straight to anger. It's that pesky acceptance stage she's not so sure about. Ernie tells Treat that their daughter moved her wedding date up two weeks so that Mrs. Hoover might be around to attend. Mrs. Hoover shows Treat the newly-printed invitations. Mrs. Hoover, who is already breaking my heart, asks Treat, "What do you say, Doc? Will I get to see my baby girl in her wedding gown? It's a Vera Wang. Cost more than my chemo." Oh, humor in the face of tragedy! It gets me every single time, as DAMN YOU BERLANTI obviously knows. Treat tells Mrs. Hoover to just take it easy until the wedding. Then he grins and says, "But I have a very good feeling about it." The Hoovers are happy. Mrs. Hoover thanks Treat for everything, and they get up to leave. Ernie hangs back and asks Treat if he really thinks Mrs. Hoover will make it for the wedding. Treat says that, while there are no guarantees, he does. Ernie asks Treat if there's anything he can do. Treat tells Ernie just to keep Mrs. Hoover as comfortable as possible -- that's all anybody can do for her now. Ernie: "How long?" Treat: "Six weeks...maybe. I'm so sorry." Ernie shakes off his sadness and goes to see about his wife. It's commercial time, and I would advise all of you to get up right now and see about a cocktail and a hanky, because the Hoovers will be back, my weepy friends.

When we come back, Delia and Brittany are lying in bed together (dirty!), discussing what it could be that Nina and Treat are trying to hide about the "foot massager." Delia asks Brittany if she thinks it's weird that Nina keeps her massager under the bed. Brittany offers, "My brother keeps dirty magazines under his bed." Delia's like, "Exactly. You keep secret stuff under your bed." She asks Brittany what she keeps under her bed. Brittany: "Extra Twinkies." Delia: "Me too!" Hee. Brittany says she'll ask her stepmom about Nina's secret. Delia thinks this is a good plan.

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