Episode Report Card
admin: D- | 5 USERS: B-
The Hardy Boys Make It A Manwitch Night

In any event, after The Good Mr. Whitlow -- for that is, indeed, who the abashed and irritated twentysomething gentleman is -- has thrown on an appropriate Asian-themed silk robe, and after The Good Mr. Whitlow has shoved a wad of twenties into the hands of his barely legal Asian prostitute friends, and after The Good Mr. Whitlow has pushed those barely legal Asian prostitute friends of his out the door, we finally learn what happened to the syphilitic whoremongering adulterous bastard: Seems he found himself in the middle of a high-stakes poker game wherein the players bet years of their lives rather than cash, and wouldn't you know it? He won! And he's more than happy to have the long-suffering missus think he's dead, thank you very much, though where that leaves either of them situated, financially speaking, is anyone's guess, but we're not supposed to worry about things like that because the Whitlows are merely plot devices put in place to introduce the concept of this asinine floating Texas Hold 'Em game the Cypriot leprechaun's been running for the last nine hundred years, so let's wave goodbye to the syphilitic whoremongering adulterous bastard and join Our Brainless Boys as they amble down the sidewalk outside Madame Lin's Golden Palace, where Dean is once more on the phone with Speed Racer up in the lush coastal rainforests of central South Dakota. Naturally, Speed Racer's positively brimming with lore regarding asinine magical floating Texas Hold 'Em games "going back centuries," all of which involves a mysterious gentleman blowing into town to challenge various gullible locals to a couple of hands. In the extremely unlikely event the local simps win, they get their "best years back." Of course, because Bobby Is Really Having Issues With His Newfangled Paralysis, he wastes not an instant once he's off the phone before snatching up his car keys and wheeling himself off to his Chevelle to motor on down to this week's never-named town to do something incredibly stupid, because Bobby The Blockhead occupies yet another line item on the list of Things That Suck About This Episode. Rrrgh.

A very short while later, Dean, having split off from his brother to search for the mysterious Cypriot leprechaun, slips a hundred-dollar bill to some local dive's bartender and quickly receives directions to the asinine magical floating Texas Hold 'Em game 'round back. One problem: Just as Dean's arriving at the designated doorway, out pops...Speed Racer! D'OH! Because I am attempting to make it through this misbegotten wreck of an episode as quickly as possible, I will not be wondering how in the hell Bobby made it all the way from the lush coastal rainforests of central South Dakota to this week's never-named town so quickly, nor will I be wondering how he managed to roll across the Cypriot leprechaun's location hours ahead of Our Intrepid Halfwits, because all anyone needs to know about Blockheaded Bobby's pathetically dumb adventure is what anyone who ever watched a television show or movie before could guess: He lost. D'OH! Again! Some more! And with that, we topple into this evening's first commercial break most woefully CHOMP!-less because, like the THEN! and the NOW!, the METAL TEETH CHOMP! wants nothing to do with the big, hateful bag of ass Kripke & Ko. saw fit to barf up onto the screen this evening. Bastard. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Ugh.

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