Episode Report Card
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New Kids On The Block

"Did you forget how to count to three?" she asks him. House says he's using his budget for three fellows wisely by hiring all thirty of the people in the classroom and then whittling them down to just three. Those three will have their salaries cut by ten percent to accommodate House's thirty-fellow shenanigans, which I'm sure they'll really appreciate. Cuddy points out that there are forty people in that room (check out insta-counting Cuddy! She's some kind of counting savant!). House responds by firing everyone in Row D. Sucks to be you, Row D. But then House sees one lady from Row D with a set of double Ds and decides to unfire Row D and fire Row C, who you know were all sitting there breathing a sigh of relief that they weren't in Row D. With that, House gets a page from himself and decides to investigate. Cuddy will stand in the doorway and be a completely ineffective administrator.

It would be so cool if House went to his office to find that he did, in fact, page himself and there was a Mirror House running around who was really nice to people. But no, it's the pilot from the pre-credits sequence. She won't tell House how she got his pager number, but since she has a bag full of money (fifty thousand dollars, to be exact), it stands to reason that she can get whatever she wants. I would like to know when being an Air Force captain became such a lucrative job. Pilot says she's paying for her medical bills in cash because if NASA finds out she has a medical problem, she won't be able to be an astronaut. "Something is wrong," she explains, "with my eyes, my ears..." There's also apparently something wrong with her ability to describe medical symptoms. Pilot says she did some research, and she knows House is the best, breaks rules, and doesn't care about anyone except himself. Well, she surely didn't see that on Wikipedia, what with its strict neutrality rules! House asks what he's going to get out of having her as a patient. "I started to hear with my eyes," is all Pilot says. And that's enough.

House enters the classroom and tells Rows A, B, and D that they have a new patient: a thirty-year-old female with synesthesia. They are not allowed to document any of the tests they do on her: "No notes, no records, nothing. As far as you're concerned, this patient is Osama Bin Laden, and everyone not in this room is Delta Force." Guy In Wheelchair, whom House already hates for being more crippled than he is, asks, "We're protecting Osama Bin Laden?" Yes, if Osama is a thirty-year-old female. Dumb-ass.

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